Ego’s liabilities

The opposite of unconditional love is toxic guilt. Toxic guilt arises from conditional love where someone will have you fit into a pre-determined template of love that demands that your behavioural patterns align with that template. And where you don’t, you’re not afforded understanding or having space held for you ; your non-conformity to expectations is interpreted as intentional and malicious.

Do not accept it or be tricked into thinking that this person was legit hurt. Their ego was hurt because they suddenly felt a loss of control. Whatever loss of control conjures in them will be automatically put on you as if you caused that distress and inner turmoil (when in actuality they stem from lifelong core wounds they never want to face).

Go away but don’t leave me

It can be difficult to be open to receive what’s good for us and what we need. Often this is because it’s closely related to our core wounds from childhood; deep parts of us that we’ve shut down or dissociated from. And yet, that’s where true fulfillment is experienced. It’s scary because there are so many layers of defensive thoughts and coping mechanisms in between that may deter you from opening up to it all. It may even feel overwhelming and like you’re going to drown in your pain. But if you truly want existential fulfillment, you have to receive it fully and do the preparatory work needed to get there.

Fulfillment vs. Achievements

I’m turning 29 in December and this year had me looking at my life with disappointment. I felt I hadn’t done enough, although I know I put in 200%. I just didn’t understand where those efforts went. Then yesterday it dawned on me that I spent those years breaking free from societal/cultural conditioning and withstanding the pull of conformity and group think. I was spending my last breath on remaining grounded in integrity. My 20s is characterized by all the things I consciously didn’t do:

  1. I didn’t get married to the wrong person(s) just for the sake of settling down. If my heart ain’t in it, I ain’t with it. Periodt.
  2. I didn’t leave a word unsaid or a regret. Not one. Yes, I have embarrassing and crazy stories of saying zany stuff to people that is so out of left field (99% took it well), but I’d rather have that than guilty conscience.
  3. I didn’t betray or deceive anyone. Not one person. Not one.
  4. I didn’t die, though I seriously wanted to.
  5. I didn’t remain in situations and paths that I felt misaligned with. This was one of the most difficult recurrent things that I had to do. But I did it.
  6. I didn’t leave a stone unturned in my quest for existential fulfillment and just exploring whatever caught my curiosity.
  7. I didn’t leave prayers.
  8. I didn’t hang out with people I felt I didn’t vibe with. I’ve spent a whopping 80% of my 20s in solitude.
  9. I didn’t rush to conclusions.
  10. I didn’t let ego prevent me from making someone feel better
  11. I didn’t let fear hold me back from exploring the unconventional and uncertain
  12. I didn’t let people’s judgments and mockery prevent me from wearing my niqaab (one of the most easiest decisions to make yet difficult to contend with solely because of the constant backlash)
  13. I didn’t let people’s idealization and expectations hold me back from removing the niqaab when I felt it in my heart.
  14. I didn’t let social isolation affect my hope. Instead I turned to my visions of a new paradigm altogether.
  15. I didn’t let my suffering spill over on others.
  16. I didn’t let my suffering prevent me from being there for people who needed me, regardless.
  17. I didn’t let odds be a factor in my hope in Allaah.
  18. I didn’t let my pain be a justification for anything. I’d rather own up to why something is difficult for me than invest energy in justifying why I’m not doing it.
  19. I didn’t let cultural taboos of opposing parents especially mothers prevent me from breaking free from the very toxic relationship I had with my mother and finding a balance between being authentic and being respectful unconditionally (took me over a year to find that balance but it worked wonders because my mother and I have a better relationship now than ever).
  20. I didn’t seek revenge on the people who hurt me deeply. Most of the time I didn’t even try to tell them about their monstrous characters. Just left them and left it to Allaah
  21. I didn’t lie to any authority or commit any crimes.
  22. I didn’t cave in to social pressures and threats of social isolation (that did become a reality I’ve learnt to live with)
  23. I didn’t let compliments and flattery to get to my head.
  24. I didn’t let people taking advantage of me to get to my heart.
  25. I never chose anything above Allaah and a clean conscience. Never. Life would have been unbearable had I crossed those lines.
  26. I didn’t let my external reality or obstacles dictate my outlook on life or my prospects.
  27. I didn’t allow myself to slacken or do the morally irresponsible or inconsistent shit I’d see others get away with.
  28. I didn’t allow myself to harbour ill or resentment towards another. I’d acknowledge it when I’d feel it, but I’d never invest thoughts into bolstering those claims.
  29. I didn’t let the world obscure my truth. I’d rather die than be inauthentic for just one moment.

What are the odds

When you seek something you’ll be tested with all the blocks you hold against it.

If you seek guidance, you’ll be tested with feeling really lost.

If you seek love, you’ll be tested with feeling misunderstood or lonely.

If you seek joy, you’ll be tested with depression.

If you seek stability, you’ll be tested with chaos.

If you seek truth, you’ll be tested with confusion.

If you seek peace, you’ll be tested with conflicts and turmoil.

If you seek fulfillment, you’ll be tested with frustration and being stuck.

By keeping your focus on what your heart seeks you’ll be forced to endure the tension that comes from being present to, and aware of unwanted circumstances. That tension becomes the hermetic seal that facilitates a spiritual alchemical transmutation. The glo up may sting a bit, but best believe it’s in the pipelines.

Hocus-pocus

All of societal convention and norm is based on 2 things : obedience and profit.

Obedience : To bridle and suppress your inner authority – emotions – so that you have no choice but to surrender to outer authority in order to escape existential chaos.

Profit : A return on investment on anything you’re given. That is, nothing is unconditional. This is used as bait-and-switch mindgame where you’re lured in by apparent incentives and then shackled by guilt and fear.

It’s an indenture to keep you trapped in the system of lack until you’re old, when most of your life force has been usurped by others.

This can be microcosmic ; parent-child relationship, student-teacher, etc. Or macrocosmic ; citizen-government, employee-employer.

No more posts.