Fulfillment vs. Achievements

I’m turning 29 in December and this year had me looking at my life with disappointment. I felt I hadn’t done enough, although I know I put in 200%. I just didn’t understand where those efforts went. Then yesterday it dawned on me that I spent those years breaking free from societal/cultural conditioning and withstanding the pull of conformity and group think. I was spending my last breath on remaining grounded in integrity. My 20s is characterized by all the things I consciously didn’t do:

  1. I didn’t get married to the wrong person(s) just for the sake of settling down. If my heart ain’t in it, I ain’t with it. Periodt.
  2. I didn’t leave a word unsaid or a regret. Not one. Yes, I have embarrassing and crazy stories of saying zany stuff to people that is so out of left field (99% took it well), but I’d rather have that than guilty conscience.
  3. I didn’t betray or deceive anyone. Not one person. Not one.
  4. I didn’t die, though I seriously wanted to.
  5. I didn’t remain in situations and paths that I felt misaligned with. This was one of the most difficult recurrent things that I had to do. But I did it.
  6. I didn’t leave a stone unturned in my quest for existential fulfillment and just exploring whatever caught my curiosity.
  7. I didn’t leave prayers.
  8. I didn’t hang out with people I felt I didn’t vibe with. I’ve spent a whopping 80% of my 20s in solitude.
  9. I didn’t rush to conclusions.
  10. I didn’t let ego prevent me from making someone feel better
  11. I didn’t let fear hold me back from exploring the unconventional and uncertain
  12. I didn’t let people’s judgments and mockery prevent me from wearing my niqaab (one of the most easiest decisions to make yet difficult to contend with solely because of the constant backlash)
  13. I didn’t let people’s idealization and expectations hold me back from removing the niqaab when I felt it in my heart.
  14. I didn’t let social isolation affect my hope. Instead I turned to my visions of a new paradigm altogether.
  15. I didn’t let my suffering spill over on others.
  16. I didn’t let my suffering prevent me from being there for people who needed me, regardless.
  17. I didn’t let odds be a factor in my hope in Allaah.
  18. I didn’t let my pain be a justification for anything. I’d rather own up to why something is difficult for me than invest energy in justifying why I’m not doing it.
  19. I didn’t let cultural taboos of opposing parents especially mothers prevent me from breaking free from the very toxic relationship I had with my mother and finding a balance between being authentic and being respectful unconditionally (took me over a year to find that balance but it worked wonders because my mother and I have a better relationship now than ever).
  20. I didn’t seek revenge on the people who hurt me deeply. Most of the time I didn’t even try to tell them about their monstrous characters. Just left them and left it to Allaah
  21. I didn’t lie to any authority or commit any crimes.
  22. I didn’t cave in to social pressures and threats of social isolation (that did become a reality I’ve learnt to live with)
  23. I didn’t let compliments and flattery to get to my head.
  24. I didn’t let people taking advantage of me to get to my heart.
  25. I never chose anything above Allaah and a clean conscience. Never. Life would have been unbearable had I crossed those lines.
  26. I didn’t let my external reality or obstacles dictate my outlook on life or my prospects.
  27. I didn’t allow myself to slacken or do the morally irresponsible or inconsistent shit I’d see others get away with.
  28. I didn’t allow myself to harbour ill or resentment towards another. I’d acknowledge it when I’d feel it, but I’d never invest thoughts into bolstering those claims.
  29. I didn’t let the world obscure my truth. I’d rather die than be inauthentic for just one moment.

What are the odds

When you seek something you’ll be tested with all the blocks you hold against it.

If you seek guidance, you’ll be tested with feeling really lost.

If you seek love, you’ll be tested with feeling misunderstood or lonely.

If you seek joy, you’ll be tested with depression.

If you seek stability, you’ll be tested with chaos.

If you seek truth, you’ll be tested with confusion.

If you seek peace, you’ll be tested with conflicts and turmoil.

If you seek fulfillment, you’ll be tested with frustration and being stuck.

By keeping your focus on what your heart seeks you’ll be forced to endure the tension that comes from being present to, and aware of unwanted circumstances. That tension becomes the hermetic seal that facilitates a spiritual alchemical transmutation. The glo up may sting a bit, but best believe it’s in the pipelines.

Targeted Individuals

I’ve seen their videos on YouTube and while it may have been tempting to dismiss it as psychosis or schizophrenia, I tried to have empathy and to at least hear them out. Whatever it is, they aren’t faking it. Their agony and fear is very real. I realized they must be possessed and/or stalked by demonic entities that are interdimensional and therefore can interfere with thoughts and feelings. Also, they could control their minds and of course they’d turn the individual’s focus outwardly to evade detection, while also setting the individual up for invalidation and dismissal, to further fragment their ( i.e. individual) grasp on reality.

I have a hard time believing that their efforts (T. I.) and theories and experiences are random byproducts of a malfunctioning brain. I think dimensions are leaking through and blending so that they lose grounding in their bodies and in this reality.

Also, I’ve noticed an immense surge in the interest of the occult and their symbology in the last 2 years, as well as the machinations of a deep state that operates by masonic codes, orchestrating false flags and such. I think it’s a ploy to distract. I genuinely believe these convincing conspiracies are the pied piper meant to lure people away from remaining grounded and centered in their awareness, whilst convinced that the rabbit holes they’re going into is enlightenment.

It’s all unbeneficial knowledge that only causes imbalance and overwhelms the person. It’s not necessary to know everything that’s happening behind closed doors and it’s not necessary to predict the future in order to remain safe. You remain secure by being present in your heart and paying attention to your feelings and not your thoughts. Your thoughts can be interfered with so easily, but that’s not the case with your heart. The more you remain present and feeling into everything that arises within you, the more your energy is safeguarded. But when you go down rabbit holes and follow leads that pop into your thought stream, you’re leaking and hemorrhaging your life energy. You’re at risk of self-fragmentation and you’re opening yourself up for spiritual attacks and mental invasions by negative forces, if only the manipulation of toxic people.

Connect to the outside reality through God. That’s how you stay protected and whole at all times. He knows what you can’t see and nothing escapes His watchful eye and nothing occurs that doesn’t have a higher purpose. Surrender your mind to Him. And don’t accept anything that hasn’t been brought to you by Him. Don’t pursue what makes you uneasy. Don’t.


All of societal convention and norm is based on 2 things : obedience and profit.

Obedience : To bridle and suppress your inner authority – emotions – so that you have no choice but to surrender to outer authority in order to escape existential chaos.

Profit : A return on investment on anything you’re given. That is, nothing is unconditional. This is used as bait-and-switch mindgame where you’re lured in by apparent incentives and then shackled by guilt and fear.

It’s an indenture to keep you trapped in the system of lack until you’re old, when most of your life force has been usurped by others.

This can be microcosmic ; parent-child relationship, student-teacher, etc. Or macrocosmic ; citizen-government, employee-employer.

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