¿Hablas love?

I wonder if the people I loved who no longer are in my life felt that love and the sincerity or did they throw out the baby with the bathwater (i.e. me)? I wonder if the random acts of love to strangers has set root in anyone? I wonder if any of those strangers still think about me from time to time?

I always feel invisible under the baggage of humanity that dismisses my love as a parasitic hallucination or mirage. I always felt like a ghost. Love is how I connect and touch another’s soul. The texture shows me my soul isn’t alone, that there are others who feel and need what I feel and need. It’s not so much about them but how my soul speaks. I wonder if I’m just speaking in tongues, to others, or if there’s a primordial recognition, even if they can’t speak back?

I’ve been dying to have another soul to speak about God with, and this odd and bewildering existence we share.

Thank God words are free

I counted the posts I’ve written on my (WordPress) blog and it’s 1003! By contrast, last year I wrote 187 (including December).

This year I’ve written more than I have in the 3 years prior, combined. The sum total of posts is 1990. Been writing since March 2014.

This year has been extremely intense and full of personal revelation. Writing was my way of keeping grounded in the prevailing darkness as well as saving the nuggets of wisdom and epiphanies that’d come to me through intuitive downloads. It’s extremely fleeting so I rush to pen it down. It gives my otherwise very otherworldly and vague journey some sort of dimension. It’s so easy to think you’re stuck in these initiation processes that are deeply archetypal and transformative, and yet feel so stagnant. Writing kept me afloat and kept obsessive thoughts at bay as I had to focus my all on inner listening and receiving these mighty truths and revelations.

Not to mention that before the precipitation of the wave of revelations, I’d gestate dark rain clouds in me, heavy and angry and with menacing thunder looming around me. But I had to hold it together and resist the overwhelming urge to just bolt, to just break up the continuity and run for cover. I couldn’t because I’ve learnt that there’s nowhere to run but to Allaah. It’s been a game of elimination that led me to this year. I had to live through the dissolution of my mental constructs of the world and life, and go deeper and deeper into my soul for every time.

Everything I know is a deep inner knowing, not an intellectual property. Thoughts are feeble. They really are. Anyway, writing has enabled me to interject the truth in these hollow words that people have forgotten once meant something, once were vessels for an inner experience. Most people’s psyche are ancient ruins, or worse. Dilapidated constructs with no life. I’ve always hated that about society so much so that I rarely ask people questions anymore because I know they either will cover the truth or they’re covered from the truth. Words mean nothing and conveys nothing.

Path of abundance

I realize, the people who demanded to understand me but when I picked myself apart they never ceased their cynicism – they never wanted to know me, they wanted to control me. They felt threatened by the unknown encapsulated in my idiosyncrasies and peculiar way of being that wasn’t like anything they had ever encountered – and conquered. I see now that they wanted to disarm me as if I was a bomb. I understand now, in hindsight, why they grew increasingly frustrated and distrustful of me the more I revealed of myself. Goodness. And here I’ve spent years steeped in my internalizations that I’m incredibly and exceedingly confusing and my enigma is frustrating. I really did feel guilty all these years. I kept to my shallows for fear of drowning people, all the while being bewildered by what was so confounding about me. I never hide anything, I’m absolutely consistent all the way through on a cellular level, and I have no interpersonal problems.

Sigh. Double and triple sigh. I’m done explaining anything. If you get me you get me, if you don’t, hey can’t catch em all.

Fulfillment vs. Achievements

I’m turning 29 in December and this year had me looking at my life with disappointment. I felt I hadn’t done enough, although I know I put in 200%. I just didn’t understand where those efforts went. Then yesterday it dawned on me that I spent those years breaking free from societal/cultural conditioning and withstanding the pull of conformity and group think. I was spending my last breath on remaining grounded in integrity. My 20s is characterized by all the things I consciously didn’t do:

  1. I didn’t get married to the wrong person(s) just for the sake of settling down. If my heart ain’t in it, I ain’t with it. Periodt.
  2. I didn’t leave a word unsaid or a regret. Not one. Yes, I have embarrassing and crazy stories of saying zany stuff to people that is so out of left field (99% took it well), but I’d rather have that than guilty conscience.
  3. I didn’t betray or deceive anyone. Not one person. Not one.
  4. I didn’t die, though I seriously wanted to.
  5. I didn’t remain in situations and paths that I felt misaligned with. This was one of the most difficult recurrent things that I had to do. But I did it.
  6. I didn’t leave a stone unturned in my quest for existential fulfillment and just exploring whatever caught my curiosity.
  7. I didn’t leave prayers.
  8. I didn’t hang out with people I felt I didn’t vibe with. I’ve spent a whopping 80% of my 20s in solitude.
  9. I didn’t rush to conclusions.
  10. I didn’t let ego prevent me from making someone feel better
  11. I didn’t let fear hold me back from exploring the unconventional and uncertain
  12. I didn’t let people’s judgments and mockery prevent me from wearing my niqaab (one of the most easiest decisions to make yet difficult to contend with solely because of the constant backlash)
  13. I didn’t let people’s idealization and expectations hold me back from removing the niqaab when I felt it in my heart.
  14. I didn’t let social isolation affect my hope. Instead I turned to my visions of a new paradigm altogether.
  15. I didn’t let my suffering spill over on others.
  16. I didn’t let my suffering prevent me from being there for people who needed me, regardless.
  17. I didn’t let odds be a factor in my hope in Allaah.
  18. I didn’t let my pain be a justification for anything. I’d rather own up to why something is difficult for me than invest energy in justifying why I’m not doing it.
  19. I didn’t let cultural taboos of opposing parents especially mothers prevent me from breaking free from the very toxic relationship I had with my mother and finding a balance between being authentic and being respectful unconditionally (took me over a year to find that balance but it worked wonders because my mother and I have a better relationship now than ever).
  20. I didn’t seek revenge on the people who hurt me deeply. Most of the time I didn’t even try to tell them about their monstrous characters. Just left them and left it to Allaah
  21. I didn’t lie to any authority or commit any crimes.
  22. I didn’t cave in to social pressures and threats of social isolation (that did become a reality I’ve learnt to live with)
  23. I didn’t let compliments and flattery to get to my head.
  24. I didn’t let people taking advantage of me to get to my heart.
  25. I never chose anything above Allaah and a clean conscience. Never. Life would have been unbearable had I crossed those lines.
  26. I didn’t let my external reality or obstacles dictate my outlook on life or my prospects.
  27. I didn’t allow myself to slacken or do the morally irresponsible or inconsistent shit I’d see others get away with.
  28. I didn’t allow myself to harbour ill or resentment towards another. I’d acknowledge it when I’d feel it, but I’d never invest thoughts into bolstering those claims.
  29. I didn’t let the world obscure my truth. I’d rather die than be inauthentic for just one moment.

What are the odds

When you seek something you’ll be tested with all the blocks you hold against it.

If you seek guidance, you’ll be tested with feeling really lost.

If you seek love, you’ll be tested with feeling misunderstood or lonely.

If you seek joy, you’ll be tested with depression.

If you seek stability, you’ll be tested with chaos.

If you seek truth, you’ll be tested with confusion.

If you seek peace, you’ll be tested with conflicts and turmoil.

If you seek fulfillment, you’ll be tested with frustration and being stuck.

By keeping your focus on what your heart seeks you’ll be forced to endure the tension that comes from being present to, and aware of unwanted circumstances. That tension becomes the hermetic seal that facilitates a spiritual alchemical transmutation. The glo up may sting a bit, but best believe it’s in the pipelines.

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