It just hit me… the deep desire I have to be seen for who I am (by the person/s I love) isn’t to have my mind understood, but to have my emotions seen, visible, and welcomed no matter how intense and capricious it may appear. A soft landing space in the receptive heart of another.

Deep sigh. Yup, that’s it.

Grand opening

When reaching for the light you have to walk through the darkness. To get to the eye of the storm you have to walk through the turbulence. To witness spring you have to wait through the winter.

Everything magnificent sprouts through discomfort. Don’t let it deter you.

Embracing fear

I survived by loving people. Love was my defense. When I couldn’t prevent others from hurting me I chose to step forward instead of fighting or turning away. I’d step forward into their charged emotional field. I’d let go of resistance to their violence against me. Instead I tried to understand the mechanism behind what drove them to do this, so perhaps I could help them stop, at the core.

It was instinctive, intuitive. It started very early, bullying and other stuff. I was thrust into the river and it was sink or swim. So i learnt to swim in between the bouts of near-drowning. Trying to understand the aggressor was my way of trying to find a way to survive because I knew that if I did anything to challenge the ego, it’d be like fuel to the fire. So I’d hold back from beating the shit out of people because I knew they’d feel embarrassed and like they had to prove something so the taunting and harassing would be endless.

I evolved to disarm people so that they wouldn’t inflict further damage on me. It’s heartbreaking, having to reflect back on this. But I’m really impressed by my relentless commitment to an open heart. In a way, I chose to believe the best about the world, that evil was just circumstantial and that everyone had the potential to be better. I had to in order to have hope and willingness to live. I HAD to see and reach for the good in the other person, appeal to their higher self, try to find an ally in their conscience. But I was never able to give myself that because I feared that if I turned around to look into ME and give ME the space I needed to heal, that others would get pissed and attack me. And I just. wanted. to. be. left. alone. I erased my footprints, made myself smaller, all to avoid attracting the evil in others.


I’d spend so much time feeling the subtle ripples of an incoming negative energy attack so that I could devise a defense before I’d be hit. I had to be extra sensitive because my only line of defense was to get ahead of the train that’d inevitably hit me. It just bought me time to anticipate the perspective and dissociate.

I just realized this a few minutes ago, and it was something I asked Allaah to clarify to me why it was so hard for me to just relax without having to be hypervigilant or expect the worst case scenarios. And it came when I realized that I had some thoughts knocking on my energy field and I was like nah, I ain’t letting them in. Usually I’d have to put myself in that space to foresee what was coming. I’d use my clairvoyance to protect myself. And when I said nah, there was this barrier that drowned the ‘noise’ of the knocking and it felt like a neighbour yelling through the wall. The fear of the consequence came that what if I get hit unprepared? And I said I’ll take my chances. That’s when Allaah extrapolated that inner convo to my question of why I couldn’t relax. And yo, the feeling of emotional residue melting off as it clicks and unblocks is unmatched.

This is how I get nearly all if not all of the information and insight I share. Through feeling through my experiences, working through them, asking Allaah to teach me and give me that holistic perspective that I can’t possibly conjure, and make space for that light to come through. I receive my faith and conviction through real life miracles like this. I consider it a miracle because if I didn’t have that connection to Allaah and the emotional sensitivity, there’s no way that I’d find any information. There is no information on what I’m experiencing because if there was there would be no need for me to go through the deep and extensive journey I did. It for me to unlock the light in the dark and bring it out to people.

And I just keep asking Allaah to not let anyone else go through what I did. I have no other desire or intention but to make the path to the light and truth easier for people. To alleviate the pain that I wish someone could help me do when I was in that position. Being alone, young, isolated, scared, confused, shamed.

Exiled from time

When you’ve lived in a state of perpetual dissociation, it can feel haunting to revisit silence and stillness, to say the least. It feels vacant, as if visiting a ghost town. All you are confronted by is the fact that people, families, deserted their homes in droves. The visceral fear that made me dissociate and live an emotionally and mentally vagrant life is still here, albeit in the traces and imprints it’s left behind in my being. Deep tracks where I’ve been dragged to the pits of mental hell. The worst part was not knowing whether it was a purification or a punishment.

People talk of muscle memory when someone performs a certain movement repetitively over time, until they can do it with little conscious effort. I don’t know if there’s such a thing as soul memory where you’ve trained yourself to anticipate and adapt to the unpredictability of PTSD and its triggers, but I sure have it down to a science. My life has been a mental obstacle course and a spiritual bootcamp since I was 17, without a break and without any exaggeration. The times I slumped down, refusing to keep going I quickly fell into suicidal ideation. It’s a game of the floor is lava, where the floor was suicide.

It’s surreal to tune into my mind and not be hit by a barrage of the darkest, emotionally violent noise. Just.. noise. A flurry of visceral emotions that charged at me the moment I was present in myself. Imagine being afraid of your emotions.

Imagine being so afraid of life that death is easier to bear.

How Islaam safeguards and integrates the divine feminine

  • Xijaab that acts as an energetic shield and boundary to deter the intrusion from low vibration and destructive energy (note: deter not necessarily guaranteeing prevention)
  • The Prophet sallAllaahu calayhi wasallam telling women it’s more rewarding for a woman to pray in the innermost chambers of her home
  • Xajj for a woman being equivalent to jihaad
  • A man having to go through different avenues and sacrifice materialistically before he can take her to their marital home.
  • A man not being allowed to touch her wealth while he’s obligated to provide for her. If they divorce and she’s nursing a baby, he has to pay up.
  • Though there are NO excuses for leaving salaah (even if you can only literally blink, you’re obliged to pray through that blinking) even if you’re impure and don’t have water to cleanse yourself you may use dust, a woman has been given a spiritual dispensation for the duration of her period. Now, many speculate why exactly this is and assume, and though we may never quite understand the divine wisdom in its entirety, we know that menstruation is a kind of death, a kind of ‘shut down for construction’. So Allaah has matched her energetic shutdown and hibernation with a spiritual hibernation. It’s difficult for women to focus on different things at the same time of those things are fundamentally and dialectically opposed. So being forced to be spiritually alert and focused while her entire being and energy is dark would make worship counterintuitive. (I’m not laying claim to knowing that’s the divine wisdom but I’m simply asserting from experience).
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