Suicide as an expression of distrust

There’s nothing more powerful or wired harder than survival instinct. The only thing stronger than that is whatever causes a distrust in people and life which, if unmitigated, leads to suicide. Withdrawal, isolation, disconnection, depression are signs of suppressed life bc life is perceived more painful than non-existence. Using force to change that state only adds fuels to the fire bc it reinforces what causes distrust.

The only thing that has been more powerful than suicidal ideations for me was finding a trust in Allaah. A true trust. Not being goaded into things bc of guilt-tripping or threats or fear. But trust that came from Him showing Himself in my life and opening up awareness and knowledge that I could trust and return to no matter what happened. A bond stronger than anything I could do to threaten it.

That’s the only thing that has kept me alive in the past 8 years. No convincing, no positivity, no just shifting focus to other stuff to forget my thoughts ever helped. For whatever reason, my mind is an open field. There are no compartmentalizations. I lucid dream. Even in dream state, I remain aware. So I’ve never been able to trick myself into a different state.

The types of energetic blocks

There are two types of energetic blocks that create hinder in one’s life:

a) resistance to awareness for fear that it’ll dissolve control which is the ego’s only claim to power

b) sabotaging the flow of kinetic energy with an overly analytical mind that doubts what it can’t see.

The dissolution of a) comes from surrendering to Allaah, the Divine who is omnipotent so that you can feel safe knowing that the universe won’t crumble if you stop holding up the status quo

b) comes from the courage to shift your value system from extrinsic motivation which is rooted in imagery and codependence on the feeling that people generate from the images you put out. That’s why you’re outcome fixated. Your mind has convinced you that if an outcome ‘flops’ you’ll find yourself cut off and in an energetic purgatory. That emptiness is the dissociation from your own body which you’re constantly running away from and seeking out others who are more grounded and thus capable of movement which is basically generation.

Faith is what you need to overcome that abyss of doubt. Sow seeds of faith inside yourself. I don’t mean “believe in yourself” I mean, trust your heart and that it’s far, far more intelligent than your mind bc it can perceive things before they become patterns and tangibles.

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