Broken circle

For a long while I wish my life could be replaced like faulty parts. I’d wish I could just excise the parts of me I didn’t like or that I imagined were the cause of distress like tumours.

But now I realize that it’s my sickness talking. The parts I hate the most are also the ones that have kept me me, and sane and grounded in who I am. I realize what I really need is restoration so that the hurtful perception is healed.

What I really need is to see the divinity in everything and behind everything. The Hand of God in the creation.

Don’t pimp me out

Arab and Persian women are the white women of Muslims.

Hear me out.

Growing up, I was shouldered with the perception of Muslims shaped by Arab/Persian women who came from abusive backgrounds and the only way to have a voice and a platform that people actually heeded was to follow the script of Islaam endorses honour killings and normalizes double standards in regards to boys and girls growing up. I’d be lambasted from media, books, movies, what have you where the only available narrative of Islaam and Muslim women were that of Arab women who instead of calling out their culture, just threw the entire religion under the bus wholesale.

It became so ingrained in me that I distinctly remember that whenever I’d walk with my dad I wouldn’t walk behind him because I was afraid that’d be inferred to be some religious injunction to be a second class citizen. Nor would I walk beside him because I was afraid that people would think I’m a child bride. I was 12!!!!

I didn’t know why I had this overlay put on my experience when it was such a foreign concept to me. And I didn’t understand why I was assumed guilty until proven innocent. But I was. It wasn’t until I grew older that I started understanding the subtext of these women’s testimonials but also the propaganda that was pushing these narratives. It sure wasn’t out of empathy with the victims.

And now, it’s become a get rich quick scheme. The latest being the Saudi teen who was taken in by Canada because she was an atheist fearing for her life. Never have I come across an Arab or Persian woman who is a victim of her culture calling out her culture. Never. It’s a cognitive dissonance because if she can somehow find an external motive for the toxicity in the men in her life then she doesn’t have to discard them. She can just say they’re like that because Islaam made them. Finding such shortcuts has devastating repercussions because instead of containing the toxic, you’re letting it seep out and affect those who have nothing to do with it.

African and African-descent Muslims are usually on the receiving end of the culture struggles of Muslims on the Asian continent as a whole. It’s not healing if you’re not being honest. It’s not healing if you’re using your trauma as a come-up. It’s not healing if you’re not considering the consequences of creating narratives that don’t trigger you. It’s not healing if you’re burying the triggers like landmines for others to step on.

I’ve never before put it together consciously like this but I’m just realizing how hurt and resentful I am. How hurt I am that there are women who’ve known pain but seem so oblivious to what they’re doing to reinforce it in others. Women who hold TED talks entitled What We Don’t Know About Europe’s Muslim Kids and then go on to say

The thing is that most people don’t understand is that there are so many of us growing up in Europe who are not free to be ourselves. Who are not allowed to be who we are. We are not free to marry, or to be in a relationship with people that we choose. We can’t even pick our own career. This is the norm in the Muslim heartlands of Europe. Even in the free societies in the world, we’re not free. Our lives, our dreams, our future doesn’t belong to us, it belong to our parents and their community

Are disingenuous crooks that take the bait that white neo imperialists put out for them under the guise of saving them. Feminist missionaries. The epitome of toxic femininity is embodied in these women and I’m sick of it.

Leave me tf be.

Recreational trauma

How am I gonna make it

What if I don’t make it

Two questions that have been the bane of my existence. Pressure to perform. Expectations to meet goals.

Why I never could study in university. I don’t deal well with shackles to my curiosity. Punishment is never a motivator for me. Threats of lack and scarcity makes me quit right off the bat.

Stop. Stop. Stop.

I don’t know when I’ll be able to work consistently. I don’t know when I’ll be able to establish a daily routine. I don’t know when I’ll be out more. I don’t know when I’ll get married. Stop pestering me.

The voices in my head blaring. Like fire alarms. I don’t know what happens afterwards. I usually run and hide long before. But today I stop. I don’t care what happens anymore. My pace isn’t wrong just because it isn’t competitive or cutthroat.

Healing is what I had to do in order to just be myself. Crazy. Like paying off a debt so I can be freed from indentured servitude. So I can break the yoke of built-up ancestral trauma and conditioning on my neck. I just want a clean slate. A clean canvas. No templates, no dots to connect, no pages to fill, no quota to meet, no lines to fill in, no i’s to dot, no paragraphs to memorize, no sentences to correct. Nothing.

Just a chance to spill my soul on the canvas with no mind paid to the outcome. I’m the outcome. Let me retrace the process that led up to me.

Unio mentalis

The most decisive difference between transformation and any form of dysfunctional busy work (workaholism, escapism, etc) is acceptance. It’s the movement of the heart from a state of resignation (to the apparent implications of the circumstance) to an active state of surrender ( to the divine will that orchestrated the events.). The divine will is fundamentally beyond duality and aligning with it requires a letting go of taking a side (deciding what’s right and what should have happened). This transcendence is the transformative process that eventually allows one to see the divine wisdom writ large, that previously wasn’t observable.

In short, any discomforting situation carries the seeds of a magnificent spiritual transformation beyond what could have been reached in a stable and innocuous situation. Just as we were born fairly early in development and therefore helpless, in order to grow into the complexity that is the brain, so do we have to contend with the growth spurs of our spiritual body as it were. And the clash of the opposites is just the fertile ground for the spirit.

I don’t want to appeal to anyone

I realize I’m the antithesis of inspirational. I understand why many don’t vibe or connect with me. Took me a while to figure out why. Now I don’t go out of my way to disperse the fog or convince people that there is a world outside Plato’s cave. I don’t want to be a shock to the system, a cold chill, a jump scare. I can only be grounded in my reality and be aligned with it fully even if that entails being a recluse. I’m not isolated, I’m just back at the place where everyone has escaped for pies in the skies. I’m in the place I started out in existence: the mundane. And when I don’t try to make it what it’s not, I can see the sky peppered with stars and the streets they form. I can observe and absorb the hidden beauty. That’s what the divine is. Hidden beauty. Inconspicuous yet so naturally obvious. Like something that you had no idea you needed.

Bestiarius

People who rush to cancel people and shame people into canceling controversial figures without allowing space for processing what exactly is happening are the worst, fake-deep, manipulative people who lack boundaries and respect for others. Period. The public sphere is a shared space. It’s not where you establish the rules and dictate what happens. Even if it’s downright shitty, it’s not anyone’s right to try to stop the train because although we share train (space) we operate in our own individual timelines that unfold in unique ways that bear meaning. So to jump the gun with projections and letting the bullets of your own unprocessed agitation fly is transgressing. You have power over your own timeline to choose what to align with and what to divert from but that doesn’t mean you get to create a moralistic hegemony where you actively seek to punish those who don’t pick your side.

Mind you I’m not talking about people who justify evil or who defend evildoers. I’m not talking about people who use deception and are deluded. I’m talking about people who are still undecided or unaware or confused. The only time I’ll ever check anyone is when they try to warp or influence the perspective and perception of others as if others are an extension of their ego. I take that shit super seriously because I know the repercussions. I’ve lived and suffered through people who don’t allow you emotional freedom, who make you feel unsafe if you can’t convince them, who extrapolate false interpretations from your actions to somehow confirm a suspicion they harbour. It’s not ok to intrude on people. It’s not ok to choose to stay and make the person feel how you feel about them instead of just removing yourself from their circle.

Keep your judgements to yourself. Keep your half-baked theories to yourself that burn any nuance at the stake. Just shush. Justice has never ever ever ever ever prevailed by goading others into confessing their shortcomings to you. Let people save face and allow them grace. That is much more likely to make them feel safe enough to sacrifice their attachments and whatever else their ego may have identified with. Just a thought for 2019.

Birth of hope

Ancestral trauma is compounded trauma. It means that you’ve inherited the perspective formed through a psyche under an amygdala attack. It means that you start off with a severe undersupply of possibilities. When you try to find your connection needs in your limitations, you overperform and restrict yourself to fit into the survival template handed down to you. Your system can’t handle the awareness of the fact that your needs exceed what’s currently available to you.

It’s like trying to force yourself into a box and then try to gaslight yourself to believe that it’s really not uncomfortable and that you don’t need a normal bed. Survival depends on limitations because to be able to foresee and predict events and changes you have to control the space you’re in. Therefore, a scarcity mentality will register your self-actualizing tendency as a threat and will attack you much like the t-cells attack the antibodies in autoimmunity. Your mind is literally slowly killing your soul.

One of the tell-tale signs is how you respond to yourself when you feel emotional distress; do you mimic the way an abusive parental figure would talk to you? Another sign is the overarching themes of your desires and goals in life ; often it’s to finish what your parents or ancestors started but couldn’t finish. Beware of that because that carries a lot of karmic undertones in that it’s highly fragmented and misaligned with the universal wellbeing. I.E., the reason they never achieved those goals is probably because it wasn’t rooted in balance and potentiality, but in energy displacement and overcompensation for something else. The biggest sign however is when you feel like you’re mired and sinking in triggers and unconscious self-harm that never seem to abate no matter how much you try. You’re most likely not dealing with something you’re conscious of or something you can identify the root cause of, and you have to have a lot of tolerance and acceptance for yourself in order to find a space within where you can mend what has been passed in bucks.

You have to go beyond the karmic battlefield and go towards everything that you’d prefer to run from or evade. It doesn’t matter how much you achieve in life if you don’t reclaim your own context. Shut down the sabotaging commentary by tuning into what it’s actually saying. It just wants to be heard, that’s all.

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