Your truth doesn’t need words to be. It’s a derivative of the One whose witness never fails or falters. So if others deny or downplay your personal experiences, don’t take the reactivity bait because that’ll enter you into a never-ending mental imprisonment of constantly trying to establish your truth outside yourself. Only love can provide the nuance that accepts your truth. So if you have to explain or anticipate invalidation or skepticism then that’s a sign that it’s an inhospitable space for your truth. Don’t force yourself into that atmosphere.
When someone refuses to acknowledge and heal their pain they develop toxic behavioural patterns because they perpetuate the patterns that caused the pain they are in denial of.
So while we can empathize with someone’s core wounds, this can’t be used as an excuse for their toxic behaviours. Hurt people don’t hurt people. There are plenty of hurt people who are too conscientious and sensitive to inflict the pain that they feel.
Toxic people hurt people.
Don’t internalize people’s thoughts (about you). Most of it is automated spam that circulates through their mind unhindered like a runaway train. The inevitable crash is neurotic.
I feel abandoned on a visceral level
My existence unmet on the levels beyond thought and words
My emotions left unanswered, unacknowledged
The emergence of an instinct to grab on to something, an anchor in the physical world to remind myself that I’m actually living
That I’m not the phantom I feel myself to be
My existence is vague, like it might as well have not been
A faint line
I feel a deep resentment towards life. I wasn’t received when I needed it the most, and now I don’t need it anymore.
The Muslim “Ummah” been undergoing a collective existential crisis since the turn of the century when the Ottoman empire fell. Most Muslims hold on to cultural practices and appropriation of what they think Islaam is, but really isn’t based on the core principles. It’s like a knockoff version, a copy mass-produced in China.
The principles of Islaam are living and fluid, and aren’t confined to inks and paper but to the heart that it was first revealed to. The state of the Muslims is such because they – we – are split and running on fumes. It’s because we don’t practice what we preach that we overcompensate through dysfunctional means to anchor the wobbly faith in the external world.
In short : if you’re interested in Islaam, take the intuitive road. If you want to become a Muslim don’t do it because of community because there is no such thing. We’re at a really low point and can’t avail ourselves to accommodate for others in the way we should. So don’t be surprised when our actions contradict what we say or when our manners are shitty af. We’re hurting and we’re lost but rather that than to lose the essence of Islaam and bury it in our dissonance.
Islaam isn’t for Muslims. Islaam is for the entire cosmos and it has as many paths to its core as there are roads that lead to Makkah.
Don’t be people’s refuge from pain. Don’t be what makes them forget about themselves. Don’t look for a purpose to serve or role to play in other’s lives. Be grounded in whatever soothes your soul regardless of what that does for others.
For a long while I wish my life could be replaced like faulty parts. I’d wish I could just excise the parts of me I didn’t like or that I imagined were the cause of distress like tumours.
But now I realize that it’s my sickness talking. The parts I hate the most are also the ones that have kept me me, and sane and grounded in who I am. I realize what I really need is restoration so that the hurtful perception is healed.
What I really need is to see the divinity in everything and behind everything. The Hand of God in the creation.