¿Hablas love?

I wonder if the people I loved who no longer are in my life felt that love and the sincerity or did they throw out the baby with the bathwater (i.e. me)? I wonder if the random acts of love to strangers has set root in anyone? I wonder if any of those strangers still think about me from time to time?

I always feel invisible under the baggage of humanity that dismisses my love as a parasitic hallucination or mirage. I always felt like a ghost. Love is how I connect and touch another’s soul. The texture shows me my soul isn’t alone, that there are others who feel and need what I feel and need. It’s not so much about them but how my soul speaks. I wonder if I’m just speaking in tongues, to others, or if there’s a primordial recognition, even if they can’t speak back?

I’ve been dying to have another soul to speak about God with, and this odd and bewildering existence we share.

Only Allaah can connect the dots

Despair is the shrill cry of a soul whose needs have been overlooked and trampled upon. Hope then isn’t a silencing of these cries through vague promises of a better day, but a reinstituting of its right to exist and feel despair. To not belittle or play down the cause of concern but to shift the focus to birthright of every soul as a sovereign being with unconditional access to abundance and any authority figure or institute that instills a lack mentality or justifies despair is false and corrupt.
Hope is the validation of gaslighted soul that’s been cut-off from Allaah on the basis of not being enough.

Trauma bonding

Rapists get the death sentence in Somalia. Tell me where else they be this swift with it. Y’all can say a lot about Somalis but toxic masculinity is NOT part of the culture. Fight me.

In fact I’d go as far as to say we got more toxic femininity rampant than anything. Women be apologizing and caping for shit. Women were the ones perpetuating fgm and other dehumanizing practices like men eat first and women eat leftovers.

You CAN be a victim of your own enabling a useless praxis. But men are largely absent so that tells you that there aren’t any overt feet on our necks. We internalize self-erasure and glorify codependency and perfectionism. Mothers coddle boys and don’t give them space to take responsibility.

Having and being praised for a martyr complex is WILD because you’re valuing what you do for others over your own existence. No one can make space for YOU if you’re buried in the rubbles of others. And then you direct your frustration with your stunted growth at those for whom you sacrificed yourself for not sacrificing themselves to pull you out of the bed you made in the chaos.

Stop it please. Stop glorifying endurance of suffering and holding on to burning coals as virtues when we’re dying from it. Future generations of Somali girls are dying from not seeing self-actualization and emotional stability in us. They’ll die before they are even born because a woman’s zest comes from her spirit and there’s NOTHING worth blocking the heart for.

A social experiment

Social media is a hamster wheel, I’ve come to realize. A lot of momentum going nowhere and noise saying nothing substantive. Everything good found online is wasted through having no space to enter our being to affect a lasting change. Yeah it’s a lot of interesting tidbits and shocking revelations but it’s revealing that the first thing we think to do when we come across such gems is to share with as many people as possible or wonder why more people are not aware of it. When we learn of atrocities our go-to response is : how can we make this float to the top so that it has maximum visibility? We pass the buck to the digital elite who’ve accrued a substantial following because we think they did so by merit and prestige and surely they would be able to shake things up to make people do stuff, right?

Another worrying assumption; that followers is something achieved by the followed. As if thousands or millions of individuals that made that choice for infinitely varying reasons are all an extension of the followed and that they did so because of some criteria that they excelled in. As if people use logic and ethics to make choices. As if “influencers” don’t actively seek out followers by carving out a niche casting wide nets to catch roaming people in search of somewhere to dull down and someone to defer to. It’s akin to driftwood and the mechanics of tidal waves. We’re just bobbing on the waves and claiming the ocean is our private chauffeur.

Character matters more than content because most things on earth and the nature of life is such that you need to be capable of transforming stuff to benefit from them. Food and medicine and utilities aren’t found strewn around. They are made from ingredients and material that contain transformative essences. The internet is going to be a major impediment because it has successfully deluded us into thinking that we’re effective because of our overestimation of busy work and actions.

It ends in the beginning

You have to have self-awareness and accountability to be able to empathize. I’ve discovered that people will filter what you share of your experiences through where that corresponds within their experiences, and more particularly how that measures up to their worldview and interpretation of their own experiences. Experience is not about events but about a personal take on an event and if you’re someone who focuses on controlling events then you’re not gonna understand or respect someone who doesn’t control things. Because to acknowledge their pain or feelings is to acknowledge what you’ve suppressed and that’s usually not how things go. It’s easier to dismiss the other, even if you don’t directly tell them. It’s easier to shut them down emotionally than for you to open up emotionally.

The Truth is the backdrop to everything. Self-awareness is to go past everything we add to the canvas to see the plain space. It’s not so much about keeping an eye on what you do but to explore the why behind your actions and reactions. Only your emotions store immaculate records of every instance. They hold the key. And it’s through them that the passage to truth goes.

It’s not about tallying wrongs and rights. It’s not about contrasting what you did. It’s not about a performance review. It’s to open your heart and clear your mind of any judgment or expectation that can impede seeing the truth clearly. Your truth is your personal and unique gateway to The Truth. And it’s important you don’t let thoughts block it like highway robbers.

Refraction of black light

I can’t pull myself out of a burning car wreck.

My defenses prevent me from feeling my wounds and can ironically prevent healing. It’s only through feeling the extent of my brokenness that I can know my need of Allaah’s mercy and love. A gaping wound cries for healing. When I stifle it I’m actually stifling the hopelessness it triggers in me. It all happens so fast.

I need defenses to survive the initial shock. And then gradually try to become aware of the trauma. It’s only retrospectively that I can learn what it all means. Needing Allaah has become something shameful because it entails not being able to fix everything on your own and that complex distracts you from what’s at hand. It makes you forget that you didn’t create yourself and you don’t sustain your life. Something so seemingly simple can be forgotten in a fast-moving culture that is hyperfocused on churning out results and identifying people with their abilities to get results. The process becomes neglected. The process is human. The process is life. It’s not a production line.

To decouple from that socially endorsed conditioning can take a lifetime. That is if you’re open to the confusing process of accepting your suffering. Often times the implications and catastrophization of thoughts can be cause enough to remain stunted for the sake of stability in the status quo. And sometimes that’s all one can do. To stabilize the pain and try to lead a productive life. Often though this means that one’s children will receive the task to disintegrate it all.

Allaah doesn’t burden a soul beyond what it can bear. His mercy comes in many forms. Countless forms. We just take so much for granted because we feel naked without filling our head spaces with so much noise and hoarding of mental images. The Void is haunting.

To hell in a handbasket

People online who have any proficiency in any area are smitten with the world mirroring back to them their own reflection. They’re obsessed with their own ideas, opinions, or looks and have very little, if any, room for understanding the world and people around them. They’ll only respect you if you’re more recognized than they are. Not based on any substance or god forbid a genuine connection, but what their peers think of you.

It’s becoming obnoxious.

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