Memories taste like nostalgia and i wonder if it’s possible to plant them and have a summer of bliss.
The pain that reverberates through my blood is responded to by the echoes of my foremothers. I connect with them through my heavy heart and dismayed mind, and their strength and wit encased in my dna, unspent, becomes mine to inherit. I can feel their caution and unspoken grief, as I ask Allaah to let me do the legacy of female warriors justice.
I throw off the yoke of control that made me feel safe, and I jump into the strong currents of my depression as it leads me to the edge of chaos. I’m hoping on a miracle, like Musa’s mother did. I close my eyes, relax my mind and open my heart. I’m as prepared for a hopeful conclusion as I am prepared for an existential death. Whatever the case, I’m here.
قَالَتْ لَهُمْ رُسُلُهُمْ إِن نَّحْنُ إِلاَّ بَشَرٌ مِّثْلُكُمْ وَلَكِنَّ اللَّهَ يَمُنُّ عَلَى مَن يَشَاء مِنْ عِبَادِهِ وَمَا كَانَ لَنَا أَن نَّأْتِيَكُم بِسُلْطَانٍ إِلاَّ بِإِذْنِ اللَّهِ وَعَلَى اللَّهِ فَلْيَتَوَكَّلِ الْمُؤْمِنُونَ
“Their Messengers said to them: “We are no more than human beings like you, but Allaah bestows His Grace to whom He wills of His slaves. It is not ours to bring you an authority (proof) except by the Permission of Allaah. And in Allaah (Alone) let the believers put their trust.”
وَمَا لَنَا أَلاَّ نَتَوَكَّلَ عَلَى اللَّهِ وَقَدْ هَدَانَا سُبُلَنَا وَلَنَصْبِرَنَّ عَلَى مَا آذَيْتُمُونَا وَعَلَى اللَّهِ فَلْيَتَوَكَّلِ الْمُتَوَكِّلُونَ
“And why should we not put our trust in Allaah while He indeed has guided us our ways. And we shall certainly bear with patience all the hurt you may cause us, and in Allaah (Alone) let those who trust, put their trust.”
1. It’s not your task to convince those who doubt you. Their premise is flawed because they want you to make up for something that is lacking in them.
2. Be connected to what your heart is convinced of, and don’t be duped into shifting focus to ego. No one can give you what you want, but Allaah, and no one can take away what you have, but Allaah. So chill.
3. Know that what people say and think about you has no power to affect your reality, as long as you’re grounded in your authentic feelings.
4. Be ok with not knowing everything. Be ok with being wrong. Don’t be tricked into dissolving your faith because of doubt. The truth won’t weaken your convictions, it’ll bring you new ones. It cascades outward. It’s up to you to integrate what you have when a truth has come to you, but doubts always try to snatch away whatever you have without replacing it. Doubt is parasitic.
5. Accept worst case scenarios that your fears may conjure, or else you’ll be enslaved by illusions that aren’t true at all. Your willingness to endure fears and doubt will be the door through which Allaah’s redemption and miracles will enter.
6. Never put your trust in what is tangible and controllable. That is fleeting and not reliable. Safety is never in control, it’s in surrender.
I don’t want to spend my life proving to others, proving my fears wrong. I want to explore the symbolisms ingrained in my subconscious and all the proofs Allaah has engraved in the universe laden with messages and meanings.
I want to create worlds from my primordial love, I want to discover words to swaddle my ethereal feelings with. I absolutely want to burn all the remaining bridges connecting me to this 3d plane so that falsehood won’t find me. And I want to build new bridges so that I can connect with the world from a holistic and wholesome place.
I have so much to explore and the best part is that Allaah created the reality blueprint in my soul. So if something is amiss, I know it’s not the original intention because Allaah’s creation is seamless, effortless.
I want to be in the world but not of it. I want to be connected to Allaah before I die. I’ve learnt that only He can make my existence complete and safe and rich. Because I’ll never be able to crack the code of my existence, but I can flow in the mystery.
Remaining grounded in your energy by being tethered to the permanent nature of Allaah will allow you not to be swayed by the cyclical ebb and flow of life. Being in the flow doesn’t entail going with the flow, but rather it’s to let things flow through you without you becoming like drift wood or like a wall.
In other words, manifesting but not identifying with the manifestations.