When I can’t be real

Presence of condition means I can be disconnected at any time. I turn against myself in anger for not wanting or being able to meet those conditions, because I feel suffocated by anything that splits or fragments my energy. So I retreat into isolation, every time. At least I don’t have to choose between me and me when I’m alone. And yet, that means I’m not flowing. I’m stagnant. It’s not long before the suicidal feelings set in. After all, what is the grave but the ultimate isolation.


Rid me of the ways of the world

Roles can’t replace meaning

And yeah, you say you intended well

But your impact says otherwise

Don’t strangulate me with wishful wires that aren’t grounded anywhere

Not even

I just discovered Mitski and at once I feel like the young girl in me was given the long longed for permission to be without having to entice others. She just screams wild woman and I love it. It’s difficult when you go all your life feeling out of sync and nowhere to recalibrate.

I’m convinced that emotions are revolutionary, visionary and yet reassuring. Like they’re saying it’s ok, you don’t have to rebuild the Tower of Babel to feel divinely connected. Close your eyes and hear the susurration of time as it was passed onto and through you.

No hiding from the light

Love is an initiation that is far more dreadful than war.

At least in warfare you get to protect yourself and hide in trenches. You get to exert your strength against the other. But in Love, there is no other. There is no hiding. There is no showcasing of strength like on your best days. It’s to let an inner war rage through you while you stand in the middle of the crossfire without flinching. Naked, alone, vulnerable. The sight of another in that state feels like a burning bullet but instead of death you feel more intensely alive.

May 31st 2018

I go cold. I didn’t think I’d have to return to these memories. They’ve been haunting me for years, breathing down my neck. Felt like running on treadmill, trying to get away but not getting rid of it. And now it got triggered by watching a trauma survivor put words to her experience and woosh. Tears welling up. I rarely cry. I’m so emotionally disconnected from myself. When I do it’s always sudden.

The flashback of being robbed of self-determination. Being put through physical and mental torture. Torture. Cries and pleading falling on deaf ears. Mum blocking my dad’s attempts at intervening. Eventually he zones out and mutes it. It becomes a part of life. The worst thing is… when your trauma is so over the top that you’ve never come across anyone speaking of it and you lack the outlet and ability to frame the experiences. Every time I think about it, I turn away because it’s so much. So dense. I’ve been going to therapy for 2 years and I still haven’t gone into it except for a few times broaching it. I guess I wasn’t ready until now. It’s times like this I turn on myself. Become frustrated and angry with myself for not being able to understand it or conceptualize it. I feel like a prisoner to my past. What I hate most about these memories, these clusters that ran for a good ten years at the very least, is that suicide is always around the corner. That’s another reason why I had to dissociate and disconnect. I wasn’t capable of digesting and processing it all and that’d cause my psyche to overload and crash. Suicide then was just a power button on a computer that’s completely froze and the mouse isn’t working so you’re like fuck this.

Talking or writing about it conjures the worst feelings of helplessness and hopelessness in me. It feels like trying to empty the ocean with a spoon. A tea spoon.

The real things are miracles to behold

If someone is turned off or bored by your authentic self it’s not that you’re not enough but that the truth is not enough for them. And it can be for various reasons – escapism, addiction, grandiosity, deception – but you don’t need to investigate whatever it is but simply rest in the knowing that presenting your uncompromised truth is extremely important in bringing out what’s hidden in people. You can’t decide what people can or should handle, but you can decide to only connect with those who’ve shown that they’re capable of holding space for all of you.

Almost doesn’t count

Past – 3D (the sensory world is always the past)

Present – 5D (heart)

Future – 4D (mind)

The future is the accessing point into a new reality. It’s the transitory phase into a deeper layer of the present moment. The present moment isn’t time, it’s space. It’s a vessel that holds everything that Allaah has already created, just like a girl is born with all the eggs her body will ever produce in her lifetime.

The future isn’t female, the present moment is.

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