Don’t expect to be impressed

Don’t be impressed by how I do things because I will disappoint you so hard. Don’t love me for how I make you feel because I will fail you, my words – shrapnels from self-inflicted wounds – will bruise you. Don’t follow me for the clarity I give you because most days I’m slumped in a confused cloud of self-hate.

I really don’t know what I’m doing. All I know is to try, and the rest is Allaah’s grace and extreme generosity.

May the silence speak for me

I ask Allaah to allow me to remain hopeful even when my efforts wane and I can’t impact the material. I ask Him for a vision that transcends time and space and that can be my northern star that gives me the comfort of clarity and direction. To be able to know that even if I’m lost I will be found is an invaluable grace. I want to discover what’s beyond me so that I don’t have to seesaw between polarities.

My soulsteps

I’m gonna rearrange the universe, through Allaah. I’ll make every cell, every nerve in me that channeled and memorized trauma and hopeless horror into a timeless portal of beauty and real love that gets passed through the generation and through the dimensions. I want to make others feel how I want to feel in the grave.

A trip down trauma lane

I’m so far away from my comfort zone rn… 250 miles to be precise. Denmark. I feel a thought away from a nervous breakdown, and a moment away from the breakthrough of a lifetime. Meanwhile, I’m using every breath to use prayers as my lifeline before this trauma makes me flat line. Remaining mindful when my mind’s full of ugly memories feels like slacklining. Lord is impeccable with the perfect timing. I never saw this trip coming.

Gravity current

Can sound travel through pain? My internal dialogues when I’m forcing myself to remain present in waves of trauma are so laboured, as if hauling steel beams through molasses. But the more I resist the more the density clings to me, claiming me. So I just let things move as they do without wishing or demanding things be different for me to cooperate with reality. I’m here. I am here.

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