There’s like a constant dark cloud hovering over me, no matter what. It’s always there, in my peripheral view, reflected in the puddle on the street, dimming the sunshine. As if to remind me that I’m not free. I can’t stray too far from my home for fear of a downpour finding me without a shelter. Or a lightning bolt striking me. I can’t enjoy anything because I know that it won’t be long till the darkness rumbles in a distance, putting me in place. How do you outrun the sky? That’s why I love the night. No sun to remind me of what I can never enjoy, no shadow to haunt me and no visible clouds. At home in the darkness so that I don’t have to constantly look over my shoulder. Here, I surrender.
I ask Allaah for a hope in love that is robust and deeply ingrained in my heart. One that won’t budge in the face of the severest of hardships, one that won’t dim in the bleakest of outcomes. Hope in abundance, hope that leaves no room for cynicism, hope that is impervious to demonic efforts. A love that lights for those in need of light, warms those huddled in the cold, nourishes those who are starved in despair, and keeps me going on the path to Him, not veering off it for any fear or doubt. A love that imbues me with the nostalgia of Jannah, to which I’m traveling and hoping to arrive safe and sound, by the admission of al-Wadood, the Most Loving.
It’s like climbing a mountain of molasses with a 100 kg backpack and having to hold my breath all at the same time.
It’s important that I share how the bottom feels and looks like. Important for those who are suffering who think it’s something unique to them and there’s no hope. But also important to those not suffering to see the true extent of suffering on this planet. It’s just that those who suffer hide it to fit in. It creates a false world where the pain and hurt isn’t known.
The only reason why I’ve waded through this for so long, the only reason why I’m choosing to live through this is because I know Allaah wouldn’t inflict this level of pain on me if it weren’t for a profound and important reason. When it burns, I look for the light. When something in me breaks, I look for what’s growing out. When I feel a sense of loss, I know it’s a sign that something is about to come in. I’m a seasoned wayfarer, a shaman. I’ve learnt the ancient practice of being tuned into the divine climate. I’ve learnt to read pain. And I hope that I get to share what I’ve learnt and healed with others. Because others pain is my own. Others healing is my own.
I seek in God the meaning behind the things I’m ashamed of, like the silver reflection of the moonlight in the night. I want to find the beauty in my shadow. I see the darkness with my light; I want to see my shadow in my light.
I’m over pursuing forms, outcomes, goals, details. Done. I’m the form. And I want what feels smooth and congruent to my form. I’m not here to recreate the wheel. I’m here to ride it and figure out all the different things I can do with it. I want to focus on expansion, connection, flow, allowance. I want my spirit to accommodate a representation of the divine will. I want nothing but the divine will. I want only to seek and make space for the divine will in my life and discover how it manifests in this world. Just as I am a manifestation of the divine will, I want to know what else Allaah intended when He created me. I want to understand Him, from my pov.