Only Allaah can connect the dots

Despair is the shrill cry of a soul whose needs have been overlooked and trampled upon. Hope then isn’t a silencing of these cries through vague promises of a better day, but a reinstituting of its right to exist and feel despair. To not belittle or play down the cause of concern but to shift the focus to birthright of every soul as a sovereign being with unconditional access to abundance and any authority figure or institute that instills a lack mentality or justifies despair is false and corrupt.
Hope is the validation of gaslighted soul that’s been cut-off from Allaah on the basis of not being enough.

Intellectualism is deeply impersonal

Derealization is the worst mental pain that can happen to a human. It’s the loss of the language of emotions and sensations that alienates you from the outside world, rendering your inside world meaningless and marooned. It’s like losing your ability to make sound even though you’re talking. Everything is soaked in shades of metallic grey and the air tastes like cold corrosion. It feels like the energy and emotions of others have physical weight and exerts pressure on you from all sides but you can’t take anything in so it just piles up until you feel like you’re in a deadly vortex. You’re divorced from all context and identity and yet you’re confined. It’s deeply paradoxical with no meaning at the core to differentiate.

Concave

Don’t sacrifice yourself for people who are slowly killing you with disrespect or distrust. Being seen and accepted for who you are is a baseline you should safeguard. Your feeling safe comes before helping others out, especially if said others don’t make space to receive you.

Existential nausea

The mundanity of this moment taste metallic.
The grey treetops stripped naked by the cold stretch out like scarecrows, like swaying cemeteries. The wind circling around them seems bereft and in disbelief as if in denial, like a mother clinging on to her child who just breathed his last, rocking back and forth with him in her embrace.

The scariest part of life is that life is independent of will. Spring doesn’t rush to protect nature from the cold because the cold is also nature… Ironically, for spring to interrupt the shedding of life would be to interrupt life itself. So I guess in that regard death is creation. Life wouldn’t be life without unexpected endings.

Expectations are human creations. It rings hollow and shallow because every time it approaches the depths it’s yanked back by the leash of control.

و من آياته…

I legit just realized.. love isn’t a person. It’s something you share with a person. Love is tawfeeq. The divine stimulus of a transphenomenal/noumenon connection, as opposed to a means to an end as stimulated by the basic instincts of the ego or the conceptualization of the mind.

Midnight wishes

I don’t want to be motivated by fear anymore. Seeking inspiration in what’s rooted in fear and lack is like inhaling smoke whose flames singe your nose hairs and the soot coats the inside of your throat.

Emotions are meant to protect me. Yet I spent most of my life protecting the circumstances that caused me deep pain because it felt easier to disregard what I was feeling. Alas, that only fed momentum to what was strangling me until my capacity for dissociation was dwarfed by how intrusive and invasive the circumstances became.

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