Annihilation

I’ve had one singular desire buzzing in the backdrop of my life, ever since before I could even talk. It’s like an amniotic fluid, a placenta surrounding me, protecting me until I was able to handle the nature of this world without becoming of it.

The desire to bloom.

I interpreted this in various ways according to my level of understanding and consciousness, but also according to what wouldn’t estrange me from the society. There’s nothing I feared more than desertion.

But, this vision that held me together refused to be reduced to anything other than the true expression of its essence. It refused to conform to me, my ego, my thoughts, my dreams, my fears.

With it, I felt complete, I felt abundant, I felt resilient, I felt accepted, I felt loved. I tried walking away from that to just take my space in society, go through the motions, but having had a taste of that vibrancy, everything felt gloomy and dead. I couldn’t conjure up reasons to persist in hamster-wheeling.

After many detours and planting myself in backyards of others, thinking I could somehow *create* that garden by giving everyone what they desired (the naivety!), I finally realized that there’s simply no way around serving this heart that spoke in a language that was unintelligible but felt right. I knew the next step, but that was about it. I had to download each new phase, energetically.

I had to birth the path emotionally.

In the end, I found the configurations of my garden. It didn’t look like a garden. More like an obstacle course. If you’ve seen Annihilation, my “garden” was basically the inside of that translucent, rainbow dome. It was hella weird. Crocodile-infested swamps. Monsters disfigured from refracted signals of trauma that kept boomeranging back instead of being let free. A dark, humid jungle. The Land of My Shadows. And somehow at the core of it all is where I was supposed to go.

Against all odds, I made it. But there’s no garden! I spent how many years on this impossible odyssey under the impression that it’ll all be worth it because a garden was waiting for me, and now I’m basically faced with a unassembled IKEA universe????

I was angry with Allaah. I felt hurt and duped. Hoodwinked. I asked Him why? What was the point of this elaborate maze when You could just have let me die back then? What’s the point with all this suffering and wild goose chase?

I let it rip. I had carried it for so long, fearful of the repercussions of speaking it. The blasphemy. But I reiterated, I’m not blaming You. I trust and love You, but this doesn’t sit well with me.

Turns out, it didn’t sit well with me because I was carrying assumptions that my mind had drawn with the intention of being helpful by filling in the blanks. Remember what I said about only receiving one step at a time? Apparently, my mind had been tinkering with the negative space and filled it with logical or hypothetical sequences.

Bless you. Intelligence doesn’t work in this realm. At. All. Any more than lungs work in the ocean. It’s a different dimension. I have to be still. I have to make space. I have to listen. And how do you do that with an overactive mind that works faster than the incoming information?

This was my battle. Squished between that mind and this relentless heart.

I accepted the reality and necessity of what I was faced with. I had to clean out the land, change the soil, heal the soil. Pray for seeds of inspiration. Make room. Plant them. Pray for protection. For nurture. For rain. Fend off predators. Set up fences and boundaries.

Wait.

Fend off the acidic rain of doubt and hopelessness from my mind on my heart.

The resurrection of the divine feminine energy was waiting to bloom and I had to stand guard. The rejuvenation of the earth needed it. Needed to be protected from the invasive Mind that had mapped ever single inch and left no space for imagination or inspiration. Clogged.

I write to pass the time. I pray. I truly don’t know what the morrow will bring. I stay focused on the present moment and on balance to avoid getting sucked into the torrent in my mind which is tuned into the external world. It’s a shitstorm out there. But not in here. It took me decades to reach this place. I’m not letting threats on the horizon make me run now.

Earth.

One thing that is missing from the conversations around climate change and ways to mitigate that is the mentality that started us off on this self-destructive path : conquests and colonialism. How can anything be rooted if we retain the same toxic soil? What’s the point in planting new things when the soil will feed it the old?

When we haven’t acknowledged what we did wrong, as a collective? When we haven’t located and abandoned the neural pathways that keeps channeling those impulses?

The earth knows how to restore itself. It needs nurturing, more than anything else. People are so focused on preventing, withdrawing, withholding when what is needed is a transmutation and a shift in our relationship to it. The excesses and imbalances in human relations are absorbed by the earth. A culture that forces people to dissociate from their bodies in order to survive is absorbed by the earth. A system that promotes materialism and demotes connectivity is absorbed by the earth.

Earth is our common denominator. It’s our collective body. It’s where our collective unconscious is housed. It’s alive. It holds on to memories, trauma. The earth always reflects the state of our psyches. Always. So how can we help it when we’re in really bad shape??

It’s akin to how people focus on exercise and healthy eating when the benefits from that will be undone by the dysfunction we feed ourselves, constantly. We eat more mentally than physically. We consume more emotionally than materialistically.

Our actions are containers. We need new energy.

Existential nausea

The mundanity of this moment taste metallic.
The grey treetops stripped naked by the cold stretch out like scarecrows, like swaying cemeteries. The wind circling around them seems bereft and in disbelief as if in denial, like a mother clinging on to her child who just breathed his last, rocking back and forth with him in her embrace.

The scariest part of life is that life is independent of will. Spring doesn’t rush to protect nature from the cold because the cold is also nature… Ironically, for spring to interrupt the shedding of life would be to interrupt life itself. So I guess in that regard death is creation. Life wouldn’t be life without unexpected endings.

Expectations are human creations. It rings hollow and shallow because every time it approaches the depths it’s yanked back by the leash of control.

Time as a medium instead of a commodity: a concept

Africa is the magnetic center of this planet, much like the heart and the moon. Even time is different – it’s polychronic. They don’t have the delineations we have here – it’s like weekdays, weekends, holidays, work and home is all in a quantum field of fluidity. That also means there are weaker boundaries (overfamiliarity, codependency). In ways, the Western colonizers were the narcissistic prince charming that swept us off the ground with love bombing and making us see our potential for the first time ever…

You mean we can use the resources and not be in need of the community?

Sa-weeet!

Oh no baby what is you doooin…

This work isn’t in the books or for the books

The no.1 thing Africa needs isn’t resources, isn’t education, isn’t political structure, isn’t infrastructure. It’s clarity.

We need clarity to be able to see what’s ours and not doubt it. We need to be able to see beyond the webs of deception that have been woven around and around and made us collapse in shameful defeat. We need to see that it’s not our task to remove the webs nor is it our task to make the recovery look good. We need the clarity to disconnect from the worst timeline of exasperation that opened us up for exploitation.

And understand that the abundance on the planet hinges on us clearing the energetic grids. The strongholds of the West which represents an overactive mind has its roots in our relinquishing what we know simply because it’s not as concrete or intellectual to be validated by the West. This isn’t about white v black. It never was. That’s just another idiotic delineation by a limited mind wanting to seek safety. It was always about the higher good which is the universal good. And we have those who oppose it amongst our kinfolk just as there are those who oppose it in the West. As long as we don’t realize the true baseline and the original crack, we’ll just be scrambling to divide what’s left into more precise pieces.

The powerful thing is, there is a timeline of abundance and holism active in Africa, much like Wakanda. It’s something we access, not create. And we can only access that by letting go of what seems so inevitable simply because it’s been around for so long. We can’t fathom the continent without violence and corruption because we’ve disconnected from the vibrancy that is the heart of this planet. We’ve forgotten our bearings completely and that is the sin we need to be redeemed of.

In an attempt at reifying the sublime

Absence is the presence of disconnection; presence is the absence of disconnection.

And disconnection is mighty loud. Existentially marooned, it takes home in thoughts, words, concepts, ideologies, plans, goals, action. Underpinned by a separation from the divine in whose connection context for existence is found, it can’t let you slow down or silence the mind. In lieu of the life force that originated through the soul and runs a quiet stream of creativity throughout the human collective, we’re forced to create mental islands to protect us from drowning, and we must keep toiling because the natural flow of that life force erodes away all that we’ve built up; it honours no separation.

We can never stop because disconnection is existential death. We must never touch the floor. We must never know ourselves.

Reality is not on demand

Our free will is directly connected to perception and it is in our perception that our greatest power and sovereignty lies. Perception is how we interact with the cosmos, and all that changes is the angle and depth that we stand in relation to the divine reality.

What we’ve been convinced however is the inversion of that (inverting truths is a staple of mind control and the mental enslavement of diabolical entities); that our perception is reality and that we control how we feel about it. In other words, if we feel bad it’s our fault and we have to do everything in our power to change that – by any means necessary. This is extremely damaging and corrupting for several reasons :

  • It makes us self-absorbed, literally.
  • The foundation and baseline is shifted from Truth as guidance to Pleasure.
  • We’re made to focus on what’s impossible to control because emotions are autonomous responses to our perception of reality. That is, emotions are kind of like the axons in the nerves that transmit electrical pulses; they are the connection between our perpetual reality (phenomenon) and the divine reality (noumenon). As such, they aren’t wrong or right and just inform us of the state of our holistic well-being.
  • Our thoughts are made to seem divine by erasing the line between what is and how something appears to us. Our subjective field of experience is magnified, often intruding on others as we superimpose our perception on their reality. In other words, our perception becomes the Truth and any feelings that reflect anything incongruent with that will be fought and replaced with an activity that reinforce our beliefs. Our lives then gradually become echo chambers where we lose touch with the metaphysical world and the divine reality.
  • Instead of transcending the ego, the ego transcends us to overpower us. Mind becomes master.
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