The mind projects but can’t receive. We receive through feelings. Feelings are the detection of change in one’s energetic field and the more sensitive one is the faster the change is perceived. Feelings inform you of how the change relates to you and what it could entail. It’s like sonar.
Only Allaah can give me comprehensive safety, which is emotional safety. My mind can only make me safe in terms of what I can see or predict. But the physical threats can’t be compared to metaphysical threats because of the limitations in the density of this physical realm. But the soul and heart can be subjected to unimaginable horrors that are made worse by the lack of knowledge of these hidden realms and what can happen. So instead of trying to at least mitigate the pain, one disconnects and rejects it, pushing heart further into the shadows.
Only Allaah knows what the mind can’t even fathom or put into words. And I rest in that knowing because I know that no matter how much I dissociate and how much sensory indulgence I wedge between me and my awareness, I can’t get away from my soul, ever. Not even through death! Not only that, but in rejecting parts of me I’m overloading the capacity of my mind that can’t do what my heart does. Life becomes unbearable, suffocating, and extremely gloomy..
You know, what we call depth is being at the lowest point and yet holding space for the highest point. If you can find a connection to the divine no matter how forlorn or distraught you are, you’re in the company of the Highest who takes note of your remembrance. And whoever is given the focus of the Creator is immersed in abundance.
If someone is turned off or bored by your authentic self it’s not that you’re not enough but that the truth is not enough for them. And it can be for various reasons – escapism, addiction, grandiosity, deception – but you don’t need to investigate whatever it is but simply rest in the knowing that presenting your uncompromised truth is extremely important in bringing out what’s hidden in people. You can’t decide what people can or should handle, but you can decide to only connect with those who’ve shown that they’re capable of holding space for all of you.
Past – 3D (the sensory world is always the past)
Present – 5D (heart)
Future – 4D (mind)
The future is the accessing point into a new reality. It’s the transitory phase into a deeper layer of the present moment. The present moment isn’t time, it’s space. It’s a vessel that holds everything that Allaah has already created, just like a girl is born with all the eggs her body will ever produce in her lifetime.
The future isn’t female, the present moment is.
I imagine I’ve developed comfort eating as a coping mechanism because in my belly there is a monster whose growls and tremors are felt as anxiety and fear, and I feed it stuff it likes to bribe it to sleep. I also avoid doing anything or going anywhere where it’ll lash out. It’s like I’m carrying a ticking bomb that could literally end my life, and I still don’t know where exactly it is or why it’s in me or if I’ll ever be able to live without calculating the weight of my footsteps to not trigger collapse.
I’m much better at perceiving and receiving than thinking and generating. I’m better with open-ended tasks where I have creative control of the process than goal-oriented and time limited top-down tasks.
It’s nearly impossible for me to read through a book unless I’ve been inspired to. It’s impossible for me to enroll at a course and make it through the first class. It’s impossible for me to be managed or supervised.
I need to have my vision trusted and I need space to do what I do best. Unless I can have that I won’t show you what I can do.
That’s what black light means to me. I can perceive the darkness because I let it seep into me and instead of being resisted with fear it’s met with an openness that gives it space and imbues it with connection. That connection is a black light – a hidden light that is felt but not seen.
I have this connection to everything and everyone within whom this latent presence hasn’t been perverted or distorted. Nature, the earth, nations, the events in the land. I can sense what the ground has experienced in some places. I receive vivid images and memories that aren’t mine from a very distant time and places that I don’t think exist on this earth.
I always had a keen sense of the cosmos but also a deep fear. I’ve written about this before, about an out of body experience I had when I was 4 that was triggered by my asking myself over and over again, who am I where did I come from what am I doing to here. I saw in the eye of my mind me floating into space and I panicked because I didn’t have a tether to pull myself back in and I feared getting lost in space if I went farther.
Last night I realized that the tether I’ve been seeking was Allaah. I’ve been seeking Him since I was 5. I understand I did this because I needed an anchor, a place to return to in order to not get lost in all that I observe and absorb. He’s my existential protection