Homebound

The root of gratitude to Allaah is radical self-acceptance of everything you are – flaws and all. This is because your soul is a unique creation bestowed to you by the Creator and it’s one of the most majestic of blessings. You contain miracles that defy imagination or comprehension, so taking yourself for granted is taking Allaah for granted. 
This self-acceptance can’t occur unless you’re completely vulnerable. Many a times, we approach God like a parent we have to impress to gain their approval. Our egos are tied to evading our weaknesses and flaws, but by doing so we put up a wall between us and the Divine, between us and our soul. 
So, self-acceptance can’t happen without humility. Being aware and cognizant of your human abilities and limitations. Changing from a goal oriented mindset to a process oriented mindset. From a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. From perfectionism to mindfulness. 
Amongst His names are ar-Ra’uoof , the Gentle and al-Ghafoor, the concealer of faults
He won’t use your weakness against you. He won’t punish you for it. It’s what makes you a marvel, how despite your flaws you are wholesome and transcendent. That makes you more noble than angels, you know that? Because angels have no free will in the sense that we do, faced with temptations and impulses. When we overcome our innate evil, we are more noble than had we not had that struggle to begin with. 
There are a lot of things in you that would amaze you, if you only were more forgiving of yourself, the way Allaah is. He knows who you are deep down, you can’t hide that. The pinnacle of gratitude would be to focus on living in a way where you’re more cognizant of your true nature even if it means others would deride you for it. 
Ihsaan. To worship Allaah as if you were seeing Him, for even if you don’t see Him, He sees you. 
Ibadah. Literally means yielding, surrendering. That’s what the essence of worship is; surrendering control and image. An act of worship devoid of surrender and vulnerability is void of substance because you have not been transformed. You’ve kept the unknown, the powerful energies at bay by operating on autopilot mode, a mindless facade. You’re not there until you’ve been through thick and thin with your connection to Him, preferring to die a thousand deaths before you let go of faith.

The point of worship isn’t to sing God’s praises because He’s absolutely not in need of that. But it’s to allow you to flourish and transcend your ego under Divine support. Self-actualization can be extremely distressful and threatening if we don’t tread carefully. Like opening an aircraft door mid-flight . 
Faith allows us to fall off cliffs, trusting His promise to give us wings. Faith allows us to face doubts about Allaah’s existence without caving under the weight of the opposites because faith without doubt is not faith. It’s dogma, certainty, arrogance. 

No, it’s to feel the doubt and trust anyway. It’s to know that your faith isn’t a way to escape life or difficulties. It’s the only way to immerse yourself fully in it because you go in blind in situations and face things that scare the living daylights out of you, all because you trust Allaah has your back. Like He did Musa before the sea was split and they were caught between the vast ocean and pharaoh’s army closing in on them. 
So, don’t fear going astray or being annihilated. If you seek the truth in yourself, you’ll always find your way back home. Find your true north beneath all those lies you’ve been telling yourself and disguises you’ve been hiding behind. Remove everything that would make you deviate from your true north.

Ambitionz az a Writah


#I think God creates writers with porous souls and eyes like black holes that absorb everything. And before a writer can become a bona fide writer whose work touches souls and transcends time, they are made to suffer. They dissolve in the acid of apathy of people. The world in its entirety seeps through their encased ego by brsouls are borne out of the world and not into it, and they are essentially catapulted out of this dimension.
I don’t know why, maybe it’s because they pen thoughts and thoughts are the building blocks of worlds and souls? And to discover what to write about, they have to use their own soul as a laboratory?


#Invest in the one who is grateful for what you give because that means that they know how to receive love, and won’t feel entitled.
And love someone who is patient with difficulties for that is one who won’t bolt when you reveal the parts of you that sends uncomfortable shocks through his unmet parts.


#Whatever i lack is with Allaah. Others can’t give me what Allaah hasn’t given me. And they can’t deprive me of what Allaah has given me.

I’m whole and complete. Allaah doesn’t require me to be something or someone I’m not because that would entail that His act of creation is faulty, subxaanah.

He created me to be precisely who I am. But I need to be aware and discover the clues He’s left for me and to reconnect with Him through the symbols that transpire in those clues. My purpose is to be gratefully aware, mindfully enduring.


#Ya don’t have to worry about making people stay, or figuring out whether they are about to leave. Just promise yourself this: to never leave yourself just like the sun doesn’t cease to become star when night falls. When you become grounded in your core, people and things will naturally find a home in your orbit. But that can’t happen if your commitment to yourself is wobbly.


#I’m kept sane by understanding the insanity of the world, and I gain will to live through the words of the dead. I live in this world but my spirit is in another realm. I enjoy solitude for it affords me the company of those who left telepathic messages in books and HTML codes.
My independence of mind is my hazmat suit.


Truth cleanses
Love moisturizes

Truth gives direction
Love is: motivation

Truth gives form
Love is : colour

Truth is creation
Love is: miracle


 

Rebecca Solnit

The desire to go home that is a desire to be whole, to know where you are, to be the point of intersection of all the lines drawn through all the stars, to be the constellation-maker and the center of the world, that center called love. To awaken from sleep, to rest from awakening, to tame the animal, to let the soul go wild, to shelter in darkness and blaze with light, to cease to speak and be perfectly understood.

  • Storming the Gates of Paradise: Landscapes for Politics

The stars we are given. The constellations we make. That is to say, stars exist in the cosmos, but constellations are the imaginary lines we draw between them, the readings we give the sky, the stories we tell.”

  • Storming the Gates of Paradise: Landscapes for Politics

Worry is a way to pretend that you have knowledge or control over what you don’t–and it surprises me, even in myself, how much we prefer ugly scenarios to the pure unknown.

  • A Field Guide to Getting Lost

A path is a prior interpretation of the best way to traverse a landscape.

  • Wanderlust: A History of Walking

 

Writing is saying to no one and to everyone the things it is not possible to say to someone.

  • The Faraway Nearby

 

How will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?(Plato)

The things we want are transformative, and we don’t know or only think we know what is on the other side of that transformation. Love, wisdom, grace, inspiration- how do you go about finding these things that are in some ways about extending the boundaries of the self into unknown territory, about becoming someone else?

  • A Field Guide to Getting Lost

 

Despair is a form of certainty, certainty that the future will be a lot like the present or decline from it. Optimism is similarly confident about what will happen. Both are grounds for not acting. Hope can be the knowledge that reality doesn’t necessarily match our plans.

  • Men Explain Things to Me

To write is to carve a new path through the terrain of the imagination, or to point out new features on a familiar route. To read is to travel through that terrain with the author as a guide– a guide one might not always agree with or trust, but who can at least be counted on to take one somewhere.

  • Wanderlust: A History of Walking

But hope is not about what we expect. It is an embrace of the essential unknowability of the world, of the breaks with the present, the surprises. Or perhaps studying the record more carefully leads us to expect miracles – not when and where we expect them, but to expect to be astonished, to expect that we don’t know. And this is grounds to act.

  • Hope in the Dark

Hope locates itself in the premises that we don’t know what will happen and that in the spaciousness of uncertainty is room to act. When you recognize uncertainty, you recognize that you may be able to influence the outcomes–you alone or you in concert with a few dozen or several million others. Hope is an embrace of the unknown and knowable, a alternative to the certainty of both optimists and pessimists. Optimists think it will all be fine without our involvement; pessimists take the opposite position; both excuse themselves from acting. It’s the belief that what we do matters even though how and when it may matter, who and what is may impact, are not things we can know beforehand. We may not, in fact, know them afterward either, but they matter all the same, and history is full of people whose influence was most powerful after they were gone.

  • Hope in the Dark

If the boundaries of the self are defined by what we feel, then those who cannot feel even for themselves shrink within their own boundaries, while those who feel for others are enlarged, and those who feel compassion for all beings must be boundless. They are not separate, not alone, not lonely, not vulnerable in the same way as those of us stranded in the islands of ourselves, but they are vulnerable in other ways. Still, that sense of the dangers in feeling for others is so compelling that many withdraw, and develop elaborate stories to justify withdrawal, and then forget that they have shrunk. Most of us do, in one way or another.

 

  • The Faraway Nearby

 

The possibility of paradise hovers on the cusp of coming into being, so much so that it takes powerful forces to keep such a paradise at bay. If paradise now arises in hell, it’s because in the suspension of the usual order and the failure of most systems, we are free to live and act another way.

  • A Paradise Built in Hell

 

Paradise is not the place in which you arrive but the journey toward it. Sometimes I think victories must be temporary or incomplete; what kind of humanity would survive paradise? The industrialized world has tried to approximate paradise in its suburbs, with luxe, calme, volupté, cul-de-sacs, cable television and two-car garages, and it has produced a soft ennui that shades over into despair and a decay of the soul suggesting that Paradise is already a gulag. Countless desperate teenagers will tell you so. For paradise does not require of us courage, selflessness, creativity, passion: paradise in all accounts is passive, is sedative, and if you read carefully, soulless.

  • Hope in the Dark

Creation is always in the dark because you can only do the work of making by not quite knowing what you’re doing, by walking into darkness, not staying in the light.

  • The Faraway Nearby

 

Resistance is first of all a matter of principle and a way to live, to make yourself one small republic of unconquered spirit. You hope for results, but you don’t depend on them.

  • Hope in the Dark

 

He ceased to be lost not by returning but by turning into something else.

  • A Field Guide to Getting Lost

 

To dig deeper into the self, to go underground, is sometimes necessary, but so is the other route of getting out of yourself, into the larger world, into the openness in which you need not clutch your story and your troubles so tightly to your chest.

  • The Faraway Nearby

 

A labyrinth is an ancient device that compresses a journey into a small space, winds up a path like thread on a spool. It contains beginning, confusion, perseverance, arrival, and return. There at last the metaphysical journey of your life and your actual movements are one and the same. You may wander, may learn that in order to get to your destination you must turn away from it, become lost, spin about, and then only after the way has become overwhelming and absorbing, arrive, having gone the great journey without having gone far on the ground.

  • The Faraway Nearby

 

I wish that I could put up yesterday’s evening sky for all posterity, could preserve a night of love, the sound of a mountain stream, a realization as it sets my mind afire, a dance, a day of harmony, ten thousand glorious days of clouds that will instead vanish and never be seen again, line them up in jars where they might be admired in the interim and tasted again as needed.

  • The Faraway Nearby

 

What we dream of is already present in the world.

  • Hope in the Dark

 

Some portion of Woolf’s genius, it seems to me, is that having no notion, that negative capability. I once heard about a botanist in Hawaii with a knack for finding new species by getting lost in the jungle, by going beyond what he knew and how he knew, by letting experience be larger than his knowledge, by choosing reality rather than the plan. Woolf not only utilized but celebrated the unpredictable meander, on mind and foot. Her great essay Street Haunting: A London Adventure, from 1930, has the light breezy tone of many of her early essays, and yet voyages deep into the dark.

  • Men Explain Things to Me

Holosynthesis

The people thrown into other cultures go through something of the anguish of the butterfly, whose body must disintegrate and reform more than once in its life cycle. 

In her novel “Regeneration,” Pat Barker writes of a doctor who “knew only too well how often the early stages of change or cure may mimic deterioration. Cut a chrysalis open, and you will find a rotting caterpillar. What you will never find is that mythical creature, half caterpillar, half butterfly, a fit emblem of the human soul, for those whose cat of mind leads them to seek such emblems. No, the process of transformation consists almost entirely of decay.” 
But the butterfly is so fit an emblem of the human soul that its name in Greek is “psyche,” the word for soul. We have not much language to appreciate this phase of decay, this withdrawal, this era of ending that must precede beginning. Nor of the violence of the metamorphosis, which is often spoken of as though it were as graceful as a flower blooming.

Rebecca Solnit (A Field Guide to Getting Lost)

love is an act of creativity

Self love is to be ok by yourself, to not be dependent on anything or anyone for your stability
If you were to be left alone in the middle of nowhere, you’d be ok because you never rested on anyone’s shore

that’s for sure
to go anywhere on your own and be fine

because you’re not an anchor to any ship, or the canopy to anyone’s dwelling

if the people you love would leave, you’d survive 

dive deep in your richness

you’re the mountain that holds the earth

and it’s from there that you give unconditional love, radical spontaneous outrageously tender love. Pure, untainted, untethered. No watermarks, no restrictions, like the nature that gives so freely of its wisdom and fruits.
it’s from there that you seek love, not as an escape but an adventure of raindrops forming a river, travelling through caverns and seasons


You gain everything when you lose everything. Because when you’re holding on to something, you let go of a part of yourself. When you cling to someone you suffocate yourself. When you’re chasing something it’s because you’re running away from yourself.
The kicker is, no matter how fast or far you run you can’t shake off your shadow. The fears you avoid aren’t confined to this plane of time and space. They’ll hover about and around you wherever you go and you’ll live life like a fugitive.
How can you be attached to someone, this elusive fantasy that a man will bring you a steady stream of wholesome love and good feelings when you can’t even make your own highs last, no matter how you try? 

Holding on to a feeling is like grabbing water. Instead, become the feeling and the ebb and tide won’t disturb you because you’re not the waves, you’re the entire ocean. You don’t have to remain at the shore at all times to be a complete ocean. During floods and storms – you’re still the ocean.
let go, trust me. let go and let through the ocean within you. you won’t drown. Move to your own rhythm and the whole universe moves in tandem with you.


I want to embody all the words I want to share with the world. I want to be like nature, rejuvenating the onlooker, inspiring the restless wanderer. I want to grow and grow until I bloom into an ecosystem, a reminder of the universal, defiant of corrupt times.


Always move towards wholeness. A love that requires you to be out of balance to get is not a love that’s going to last. A tree is supported by the roots, not the branches


A soulmate is an outer representative of your inner self


Patience gives your heart more room for appreciation. It slows down the whirlwind that is the ego by grounding you, and says

’ look. the sky’ and you discover deeper hues to the blue colour you used to take for granted. Suddenly, new dimensions of the world open up to you.


I’m betting all my chips on you. Yeah, it’s a long shot but I’ve been target practicing on this bugaboo. Either you’ll get to me or I’ll die in crossfire, blood feud.


 

Sunken place

Parents put me in the sunken place as a kid. It was between expressing my power and risking losing their approval, or abdicating my powers and securing others love.

Between my power or survival. Surviving makes me a hapless victim to the outside world, whereas coming into my own triggers an existential dread that equates assertion with danger. 

Everytime I go up against the visceral kneejerk reactions, I become embroiled in this life or death battle. My brain is fighting me to suppress my conscious defiance because for so long, for my entire life that has been equated to danger. I die everytime I go through with my defiance, only what’s actually dying is my attachment. Because I’ve never experienced my true self, I have no way of knowing what that would feel like so for the duration that my emotions are being released long enough for the adrenaline to run out, I’m in an effective mental freefall. And let me tell you, no amount of intellectualizing can ever lessen the intensity of that experience. 
Every.Single. Time. 

It’s like I’m in a dark space where I’m removed from my intuition and memory and it’s just me and those thoughts.
Sometimes I get emotionally and physically depleted for weeks on end, other times I huddle in foetal position, shaking out of intense panic. I rarely cry, and if I do it’s in short and intense bursts. At times I get super sleepy.

When the worst is over, it’s like the aftermath of a tsunami, only what’s been destroyed is the structure of the toxic belief, revealing an intact self beneath. Turns out, the belief has been feeding off my innate power the whole time like a cancerous cell!
I’ve been going through this process for 5 years now and I’ve died countless times. I can’t tell​ you what a battle it has been, fighting to get out of that sunken place. I find myself emotionally paralyzed – i want to do something but can’t, or I do something I don’t want to. Like the fear has transplanted me. It’s fucking scary yo. 
But just like in Get Out, I’ve been able to resist the hypnotic effect of the fears by plugging into my intuition which keeps me grounded and focused on the present moment. It’s been a gradual thing. It’s only in the past month that I have been able to stay alert at all times. Before, dissociation was my life. I could not read. I could not watch movies except sporadically for reasons unbeknownst to me. I was stuck. 
I’m still kinda stuck but I’ve completely understood the extreme fear, which helps me endure the intense sensations of death each time I expose myself to the thoughts.

It’s shit while it’s happening, but I swear to you it’s been a true emancipation because for each time I reaffirm my belief and trust in myself, I inherent the strength of my fears. And not only that, I am able to help others get out!

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