Refraction of black light

I can’t pull myself out of a burning car wreck.

My defenses prevent me from feeling my wounds and can ironically prevent healing. It’s only through feeling the extent of my brokenness that I can know my need of Allaah’s mercy and love. A gaping wound cries for healing. When I stifle it I’m actually stifling the hopelessness it triggers in me. It all happens so fast.

I need defenses to survive the initial shock. And then gradually try to become aware of the trauma. It’s only retrospectively that I can learn what it all means. Needing Allaah has become something shameful because it entails not being able to fix everything on your own and that complex distracts you from what’s at hand. It makes you forget that you didn’t create yourself and you don’t sustain your life. Something so seemingly simple can be forgotten in a fast-moving culture that is hyperfocused on churning out results and identifying people with their abilities to get results. The process becomes neglected. The process is human. The process is life. It’s not a production line.

To decouple from that socially endorsed conditioning can take a lifetime. That is if you’re open to the confusing process of accepting your suffering. Often times the implications and catastrophization of thoughts can be cause enough to remain stunted for the sake of stability in the status quo. And sometimes that’s all one can do. To stabilize the pain and try to lead a productive life. Often though this means that one’s children will receive the task to disintegrate it all.

Allaah doesn’t burden a soul beyond what it can bear. His mercy comes in many forms. Countless forms. We just take so much for granted because we feel naked without filling our head spaces with so much noise and hoarding of mental images. The Void is haunting.

Primary source

You can’t claim to love and worship Allaah and then feel the need to distort His words to mean something else or to put forth your own explanation for what He did/does or said. That’s assuming He’s not a living God, that He’s not clear, that His words are lacking, that He doesn’t get His creation. And that’s trying to bridge the gap between the known and unknown through your rationale, and not trust. You’re trying to conquer the Ghayb (unseen) like Pharaoh tried to God ‘for himself’.

And Pharaoh said, “O eminent ones, I have not known you to have a god other than me. Then ignite for me, O Haman, [a fire] upon the clay and make for me a tower that I may look at the God of Moses. And indeed, I do think he is among the liars.”

[al-Qasas:38]

What’s prompting you to put in explanations is a reaction to something ; either invalidation from others or a doubt within you that you can’t reconcile. But you should know the effects of your actions ;

Tawheed is the sole reason for Islaam, and any revealed religion before it. Not dichotomies or hegemonies, not rituals, not cause and effect. The sole purpose is to return back to basics; the rest follows naturally as it’s encoded in our psyche. But the starting point has been changed and obscured, and that changes the course of action completely and leads away from Allaah.

Only Allaah knows what leads to Him. We can’t make that call or guesstimate because we can’t even comprehend His being and essence. So we have nothing else but His words, signs and intuition to go on. That’s the task, the test; to commit to what’s intangible. To walk a line you can’t see, but only feel.

The more you intellectualize and try to solve your cognitive dissonance in the same realm they arose, the more distant you become because guidance is felt, eemaan is felt. Cognitive dissonance means there’s something you’re believing that is wrong. Period. It’s impossible to have cognitive dissonance regarding the truth because it’s seamless and doesn’t contradict itself. So instead of defending or protecting what you think is Allaah, release the concepts and trust that Allaah is above duality and ask Him to guide your mind. Seek the Truth and not a concept. Trust that Allaah is al-Haqq and that you’ll find Him wherever the truth is. That’s the leap of faith.

Tawheed means to unify, to make one. It’s to transcend duality because Allaah is One, and it’s His creation that is dual. That’s why you won’t find a contradicting side to Him, and why there is no limitation to Him.

وَمِن كُلِّ شَىْءٍ خَلَقْنَا زَوْجَيْنِ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَذَكَّرُونَ

And of everything We created [contrasting and complimentary] pairs that you may remember [the uniqueness of Allaah] and take admonition [therefrom].

[ad-Daariyaat:49]

Some people be like Saturn

Your truth doesn’t need words to be. It’s a derivative of the One whose witness never fails or falters. So if others deny or downplay your personal experiences, don’t take the reactivity bait because that’ll enter you into a never-ending mental imprisonment of constantly trying to establish your truth outside yourself. Only love can provide the nuance that accepts your truth. So if you have to explain or anticipate invalidation or skepticism then that’s a sign that it’s an inhospitable space for your truth. Don’t force yourself into that atmosphere.

One thing non-Muslims should know

The Muslim “Ummah” been undergoing a collective existential crisis since the turn of the century when the Ottoman empire fell. Most Muslims hold on to cultural practices and appropriation of what they think Islaam is, but really isn’t based on the core principles. It’s like a knockoff version, a copy mass-produced in China.

The principles of Islaam are living and fluid, and aren’t confined to inks and paper but to the heart that it was first revealed to. The state of the Muslims is such because they – we – are split and running on fumes. It’s because we don’t practice what we preach that we overcompensate through dysfunctional means to anchor the wobbly faith in the external world.

In short : if you’re interested in Islaam, take the intuitive road. If you want to become a Muslim don’t do it because of community because there is no such thing. We’re at a really low point and can’t avail ourselves to accommodate for others in the way we should. So don’t be surprised when our actions contradict what we say or when our manners are shitty af. We’re hurting and we’re lost but rather that than to lose the essence of Islaam and bury it in our dissonance.

Islaam isn’t for Muslims. Islaam is for the entire cosmos and it has as many paths to its core as there are roads that lead to Makkah.

Broken circle

For a long while I wish my life could be replaced like faulty parts. I’d wish I could just excise the parts of me I didn’t like or that I imagined were the cause of distress like tumours.

But now I realize that it’s my sickness talking. The parts I hate the most are also the ones that have kept me me, and sane and grounded in who I am. I realize what I really need is restoration so that the hurtful perception is healed.

What I really need is to see the divinity in everything and behind everything. The Hand of God in the creation.

Your life has no private chauffeur

You can’t force people to care. You can’t make people see through your perspective because that requires empathy and empathy requires demoting the ego from the most important role. You can’t make people be able to receive you and support you in the way you really and truly need them to, even if they themselves have good intentions. Holding space for another complex human being takes more than good intentions and comforting words. It has nothing to do with will and everything to do with divine will.

I guess what I’m tryna say is, disappointments don’t always need to be because we’re bad or others are bad. Things can be perfectly fine and you still don’t belong and it’s ok. It’s better for everyone involved if you’re completely honest with yourself about what is aligned with you and what can support all of you. Yeah, it may require the breakdown of what you’ve known and traditions that have helped others. But that only means that you get to experience the creation of a unique path specifically designed for you. To hold space for yourself while trusting that Allaah will guide you through this terrain, no matter how conflicting it seems, sets the pace for your life. It means that you know how it feels to be accepted unconditionally and you won’t accept anything less than that from anyone. Because you have that inner structure to fall back on every time.

Theta

I never clocked that seeing Allaah is a greater reward than jannah in itself. This came to me as I was pondering on my life and how I already have been given what I’ve been looking for in other places and I’d never be able to fathom or conceptualize it. I thought, the greatest rewards are truly the ones that you can’t even imagine because they’re only accessed through the process.

I’m not sure why, but ever since my birthday I’ve been contemplating death and the afterlife in a way that’s void of the interference of fear or doubt that’d make it impossible for me to even broach that subject previously. It’s like I’m making peace with my mortality and the fact that not only will I die – and what that truly entails- but so will my parents and grandmother. Even as I ask Allaah to keep them alive for many more healthy and abundant years, I know the inevitable will come. And I know that it won’t be easy. But I’m trying to see beyond it, into the grave and the great standing and truly ask Allaah for safety from the terror i feel by just imagining myself in those brief scenarios.

No more posts.