Ramad*n

Let the triggers go off like fireworks on new year’s.

I ask Allaah to heal my religious wounds completely. I feel even more alienated when I see how everyone is so joyous. I genuinely don’t know where it comes from. I’ve long ago blocked all mentions of Ramadan in all its different spellings.

A few hours after maghrib I felt an unusual calm, that I took as a response to my duaa. Words fail to encompass what I want to say but I trust that Allaah gets it. Cuz I sure don’t.

It feels like a burn injury, this religious wound. Agony from having held on to the conflict for years, charred by the embers of doubt and unworthiness. It stood between seeking the untarnished truth and sticking to the traditions of the group (which I couldn’t connect to no matter how I tried).

The process of shifting was very traumatic, especially since religion and culture are so intertwined that you’re expected to signal and perform your adherence, to ascertain your belonging.

Anyway, I pray these triggers are purifying and that I can find relief from these attacks.

Only Allaah can connect the dots

Despair is the shrill cry of a soul whose needs have been overlooked and trampled upon. Hope then isn’t a silencing of these cries through vague promises of a better day, but a reinstituting of its right to exist and feel despair. To not belittle or play down the cause of concern but to shift the focus to birthright of every soul as a sovereign being with unconditional access to abundance and any authority figure or institute that instills a lack mentality or justifies despair is false and corrupt.
Hope is the validation of gaslighted soul that’s been cut-off from Allaah on the basis of not being enough.

A free fall

Hope is space uncluttered by the past and whatever you once held in and thought was real. It’s the love that’s beneath and betwixt everything. It’s what keeps you together when you lose everything. It’s what keeps you sane when violent storms are ripping through your mind. It’s clarity because it’s a rerouting to the reality of Allaah. Unwavering and unchanging even when everything crumbles and transforms. The meaning that stands the test of time.

The crux however is that it’s something you feel, this space of hope. It opens up in your heart and you have to feel through all the pain and trauma that has stacked above it to get to the clear space that underpins it all. One thing to keep in mind when feeling through the darkness triggers panicked thoughts is that you wouldn’t be able to feel and process the chaos if it weren’t through a stable channel. That’s why some traumatic memories or experiences get repressed or otherwise dissociated from recall until the psyche has the space to process it without self-destructing. Do you get that? You can’t feel weak without strength, you can’t feel doubt without knowledge, you can’t feel fear without hope. Don’t lose sight of that contrast.

A privilege

I just realized that it wasn’t until Ya’Qub alayhissalaam’s second favourite son was taken that the trial came to a closure. Also, this is parallel to his grandfather Ibraaheem alayhissalaam who was tried with his two sons (one being Is’haaq, the father of Ya’Qub) one of whom he had to abandon and the other one kill (again, similar to the killing claimed for Yusuf and the abandonment of Benjamin in Egypt).

وَإِذِ ٱبْتَلَىٰٓ إِبْرَٰهِۦمَ رَبُّهُۥ بِكَلِمَٰتٍ فَأَتَمَّهُنَّ قَالَ إِنِّى جَاعِلُكَ لِلنَّاسِ إِمَامًا قَالَ وَمِن ذُرِّيَّتِى قَالَ لَا يَنَالُ عَهْدِى ٱلظَّٰلِمِينَ

And [mention, O Muhammad], when Abraham was tried by his Lord with commands and he fulfilled them. [Allah] said, “Indeed, I will make you a leader for the people.” [Abraham] said, “And of my descendants?” [Allah] said, “My covenant does not include the wrongdoers.”

[al-Baqarah:124]

I’m amazed that I never saw that. And my mind is always trying to find connections and patterns. But this one just popped into my mind. Allaah will reveal what He wants whenever He wants and it’s not a matter of vigilance or effort. SubhaanAllaah.

Refraction of black light

I can’t pull myself out of a burning car wreck.

My defenses prevent me from feeling my wounds and can ironically prevent healing. It’s only through feeling the extent of my brokenness that I can know my need of Allaah’s mercy and love. A gaping wound cries for healing. When I stifle it I’m actually stifling the hopelessness it triggers in me. It all happens so fast.

I need defenses to survive the initial shock. And then gradually try to become aware of the trauma. It’s only retrospectively that I can learn what it all means. Needing Allaah has become something shameful because it entails not being able to fix everything on your own and that complex distracts you from what’s at hand. It makes you forget that you didn’t create yourself and you don’t sustain your life. Something so seemingly simple can be forgotten in a fast-moving culture that is hyperfocused on churning out results and identifying people with their abilities to get results. The process becomes neglected. The process is human. The process is life. It’s not a production line.

To decouple from that socially endorsed conditioning can take a lifetime. That is if you’re open to the confusing process of accepting your suffering. Often times the implications and catastrophization of thoughts can be cause enough to remain stunted for the sake of stability in the status quo. And sometimes that’s all one can do. To stabilize the pain and try to lead a productive life. Often though this means that one’s children will receive the task to disintegrate it all.

Allaah doesn’t burden a soul beyond what it can bear. His mercy comes in many forms. Countless forms. We just take so much for granted because we feel naked without filling our head spaces with so much noise and hoarding of mental images. The Void is haunting.

Primary source

You can’t claim to love and worship Allaah and then feel the need to distort His words to mean something else or to put forth your own explanation for what He did/does or said. That’s assuming He’s not a living God, that He’s not clear, that His words are lacking, that He doesn’t get His creation. And that’s trying to bridge the gap between the known and unknown through your rationale, and not trust. You’re trying to conquer the Ghayb (unseen) like Pharaoh tried to God ‘for himself’.

And Pharaoh said, “O eminent ones, I have not known you to have a god other than me. Then ignite for me, O Haman, [a fire] upon the clay and make for me a tower that I may look at the God of Moses. And indeed, I do think he is among the liars.”

[al-Qasas:38]

What’s prompting you to put in explanations is a reaction to something ; either invalidation from others or a doubt within you that you can’t reconcile. But you should know the effects of your actions ;

Tawheed is the sole reason for Islaam, and any revealed religion before it. Not dichotomies or hegemonies, not rituals, not cause and effect. The sole purpose is to return back to basics; the rest follows naturally as it’s encoded in our psyche. But the starting point has been changed and obscured, and that changes the course of action completely and leads away from Allaah.

Only Allaah knows what leads to Him. We can’t make that call or guesstimate because we can’t even comprehend His being and essence. So we have nothing else but His words, signs and intuition to go on. That’s the task, the test; to commit to what’s intangible. To walk a line you can’t see, but only feel.

The more you intellectualize and try to solve your cognitive dissonance in the same realm they arose, the more distant you become because guidance is felt, eemaan is felt. Cognitive dissonance means there’s something you’re believing that is wrong. Period. It’s impossible to have cognitive dissonance regarding the truth because it’s seamless and doesn’t contradict itself. So instead of defending or protecting what you think is Allaah, release the concepts and trust that Allaah is above duality and ask Him to guide your mind. Seek the Truth and not a concept. Trust that Allaah is al-Haqq and that you’ll find Him wherever the truth is. That’s the leap of faith.

Tawheed means to unify, to make one. It’s to transcend duality because Allaah is One, and it’s His creation that is dual. That’s why you won’t find a contradicting side to Him, and why there is no limitation to Him.

وَمِن كُلِّ شَىْءٍ خَلَقْنَا زَوْجَيْنِ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَذَكَّرُونَ

And of everything We created [contrasting and complimentary] pairs that you may remember [the uniqueness of Allaah] and take admonition [therefrom].

[ad-Daariyaat:49]

Some people be like Saturn

Your truth doesn’t need words to be. It’s a derivative of the One whose witness never fails or falters. So if others deny or downplay your personal experiences, don’t take the reactivity bait because that’ll enter you into a never-ending mental imprisonment of constantly trying to establish your truth outside yourself. Only love can provide the nuance that accepts your truth. So if you have to explain or anticipate invalidation or skepticism then that’s a sign that it’s an inhospitable space for your truth. Don’t force yourself into that atmosphere.

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