Your life has no private chauffeur

You can’t force people to care. You can’t make people see through your perspective because that requires empathy and empathy requires demoting the ego from the most important role. You can’t make people be able to receive you and support you in the way you really and truly need them to, even if they themselves have good intentions. Holding space for another complex human being takes more than good intentions and comforting words. It has nothing to do with will and everything to do with divine will.

I guess what I’m tryna say is, disappointments don’t always need to be because we’re bad or others are bad. Things can be perfectly fine and you still don’t belong and it’s ok. It’s better for everyone involved if you’re completely honest with yourself about what is aligned with you and what can support all of you. Yeah, it may require the breakdown of what you’ve known and traditions that have helped others. But that only means that you get to experience the creation of a unique path specifically designed for you. To hold space for yourself while trusting that Allaah will guide you through this terrain, no matter how conflicting it seems, sets the pace for your life. It means that you know how it feels to be accepted unconditionally and you won’t accept anything less than that from anyone. Because you have that inner structure to fall back on every time.

Theta

I never clocked that seeing Allaah is a greater reward than jannah in itself. This came to me as I was pondering on my life and how I already have been given what I’ve been looking for in other places and I’d never be able to fathom or conceptualize it. I thought, the greatest rewards are truly the ones that you can’t even imagine because they’re only accessed through the process.

I’m not sure why, but ever since my birthday I’ve been contemplating death and the afterlife in a way that’s void of the interference of fear or doubt that’d make it impossible for me to even broach that subject previously. It’s like I’m making peace with my mortality and the fact that not only will I die – and what that truly entails- but so will my parents and grandmother. Even as I ask Allaah to keep them alive for many more healthy and abundant years, I know the inevitable will come. And I know that it won’t be easy. But I’m trying to see beyond it, into the grave and the great standing and truly ask Allaah for safety from the terror i feel by just imagining myself in those brief scenarios.

There’s no time in the twilight zone

Tawheed is the only reason why I’m alive today, January 1st 2019. Diving deep into tawheed in 2012 was the true Furqaan (criterion, litmus test) I had always been longing for, and suffering immensely in its absence. I had lost absolute trust in life, in what my reality even was, in what people presented. Everything seemed to be hollow or an illusion and it fuelled my death wish as intensely as the life wish I have today. Had I not received that groundbreaking enlightenment I would not have stopped at 6 times. I would have kept going until I succeeded in leaving this earth. I was living in the worst mental torture imaginable because I was open to so much gaslighting and crazy making that I would even doubt that I was truly suffering. I mean, the goalposts kept being moved by external factors and how I felt about things had absolutely no merit. If anything it’d attract vicious backlash both within myself and outside.

I was swarmed by demonic entities who festered on all the energy I couldn’t claim because I was petrified. I couldn’t trust my perception, I couldn’t trust my intuition, I couldn’t trust any plans I’d make – in fact, any plans I’d make would be like opening my eyes in Bird Box – I’d be shown absolutely horrific timelines and vivid possibilities of what would happen to me if I tried and that’s what would trigger my suicidal urge. And that’s why I spent years secluded, at home. Because I was in real danger if I moved and I can’t tell you how horrifying and unnerving it is to have such a threat to your life that you can’t point out. There was no hallucinating where my fears were projected on anyone else that I could say I was threatened by. I would wish to lose my mind because the only thing worse than insanity is being stuck in a nightmare where you’re lucid and aware.

It was a sleep paralysis, only it was in real life. That’s exactly how it was. My intelligence was used against me because I would see through the tiniest of incongruence or irrationality. I couldn’t read self-help books without feeling worse because I saw through every adage. It’s like I had a running commentary in my mind that dispelled or pointed out every single claim and advice.

And that’s what was so miraculous about my study of Tawheed. I sorta stumbled across it once I started learning some Arabic (I’d buy Arabic books with my lunch money and go over the books every now and then to see how much more I could understand than the last time I checked. I was absolutely giddy to be able to access Islaam deeper) and before I knew it everything clicked. Everything made so much sense. My mind was engrossed and took to it like a parched survivor in the desert finding cold drinking water. And that was the beginning. That was me starting to emerge from the rubble of chaos and destruction.

That year I had intense encounters with demons and ETs ( Muslim ETs actually, who helped me immensely). It was a wild year. Like. I still can’t believe what went down. Egypt is forever carved in my heart for that. I’ll return one day in shaa Allaah (hopefully I can retrieve the 50 kilo of books I had to leave behind :/)

We’re an alright bunch

Humans were the divine answer to the bloodshed and destruction caused by the powerful jinns who preceded us on earth. We’re literally made of earth, we’re intricately linked to this planet in ways that we can’t escape any destruction we put into it. The very thing that limits us is the very thing that protects us from upsetting the cosmic order. The closer to the natural elements, the more relaxed we are. The more relaxed we are, the more peaceful we become. Surrender and humility are integral parts of peace.

وَإِذْ قَالَ رَبُّكَ لِلْمَلَٰٓئِكَةِ إِنِّى جَاعِلٌ فِى ٱلْأَرْضِ خَلِيفَةً قَالُوٓا۟ أَتَجْعَلُ فِيهَا مَن يُفْسِدُ فِيهَا وَيَسْفِكُ ٱلدِّمَآءَ وَنَحْنُ نُسَبِّحُ بِحَمْدِكَ وَنُقَدِّسُ لَكَ قَالَ إِنِّىٓ أَعْلَمُ مَا لَا تَعْلَمُونَ

And (remember) when your Lord said to the angels: “Verily, I am going to place (mankind) generations after generations on earth.” They said: “Will You place therein those who will make mischief therein and shed blood, – while we glorify You with praises and thanks (Exalted be You above all that they associate with You as partners) and sanctify You.” He (Allah) said: “I know that which you do not know.”

وَعَلَّمَ ءَادَمَ ٱلْأَسْمَآءَ كُلَّهَا ثُمَّ عَرَضَهُمْ عَلَى ٱلْمَلَٰٓئِكَةِ فَقَالَ أَنۢبِـُٔونِى بِأَسْمَآءِ هَٰٓؤُلَآءِ إِن كُنتُمْ صَٰدِقِينَ

And He taught Adam all the names (of everything), then He showed them to the angels and said, “Tell Me the names of these if you are truthful.”

[al-Baqarah: 30-31]

Adam’s mind showed the same fertile ability of the earth to retain and sprout what’s planted in it.

قَالَ لَمْ أَكُن لِّأَسْجُدَ لِبَشَرٍ خَلَقْتَهُۥ مِن صَلْصَٰلٍ مِّنْ حَمَإٍ مَّسْنُونٍ

[Iblees] said: “I am not the one to prostrate myself to a human being, whom You created from sounding clay of altered black smooth mud.”

[al-Hijr:33]

And Adam was black, in case you’re wondering where all the animosity for African people came from. We started out at the equator, the balanced line on earth where day and night are fairly equal all year around. The heart of humanity is still there and if you want to know the state of our collective heart, just look at the continent.

Meanwhile

Allow the truth to come to you in the most unexpected of ways. The more that you’re able to hold space for the formless and the unknown – the liminal space just beyond your thoughts – the more capable you are of receiving the truth as it comes with no resistance or insistance on it fitting a paradigm or mental template that makes you feel secure.

The uncomfortable reality is that truth is by its very essence unsettling and disintegrating – to whatever degree of untruth you’ve accumulated in your system. And if you don’t know this you’d think you’re actually dying or losing your mind when the old structures are crumbling. When you’ve lived so much of your life with certain constructs as your backdrop it can feel like the sky is caving in when you have to hold space for its antithesis. The strength of your ego is quite simply the absence of opposites.

Innocence is not a crime

Helplessness is synonymous with hopelessness and inadequacy, in our age where ironically machines do the heavy work for us. But it doesn’t need to be that way. We can peel back the flimsy layer of utter delusion that has made us forget our humanity since the industrial revolution.

We’ll find that even if we are fortified by long trails of money and networks of the most powerful people, we still can’t resist a flu virus much less anxiety and depression. We can’t protect the ones we love from mishap. We can’t even protect ourselves against mishap. But most importantly, or shall I say unsettling, is that all the power in the world falls apart like a house of cards in the presence of death.

This shouldn’t be worrying though because it’s a sign that we need to chill tf out. It’s a sign that there will always be times when we feel helpless and powerless and that’s where love and wisdom comes in, if we let it. If we let up on this futile war against the most vulnerable parts of ourselves where we rage and turn the shame others made us feel early on against ourselves. We continue the very cycle of abuse that churns out the kernels of evil in this world ; letting thoughts loose on our objective feelings. Feelings that only indicate the reality untarnished by delusion and phantasm. If our worldview or self-esteem is threatened by our feelings then it should be demolished because the truth can never be threatened. It’ll eventually fall apart and we’ll go down with that ship we insisted was invincible.

The only invincibility that truly exists belongs to Allaah, the creator, controller and destroyer of worlds. Acknowledging your helplessness to Him is to acknowledge the truth in which we were created. But it’s also to acknowledge the powerlessness of those whose evil we fear and the limitations of what we seek in the world. The currency in the world might be a display or illusion of having no weakness whatsoever (which is truly stupid and inverted because then the strongest get the most help they don’t need. Make it make sense?) but the cosmic currency is truth which is to say clarity which is to say vulnerability.

To remain aware and present when you feel the lowliest and most doubtful takes far more strength of character than to rush to obliterate whatever in you triggered that thought or to project an overcompensating image to the world.

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