Feel all of your Self all of the time without trying to make the stream run into the ocean of your mind
Stop trying to control, confine, retain, manage, analyze, postpone, protect, mitigate, quarantine what flows through each moment for the first time ever in the existence of everything

You’re expending your all holding back an inevitable tide from coming in
Meanwhile you’re dying to be cooled, to be washed over with the new, to be swept away
You’re dying for the very thing you’re fighting.


I realized that every single person who turned out to be other than what I thought they were had magnetized me through knowledge and perspective that inferred self-awareness. But that was my mistake to infer. Just because someone has unique and novel information doesn’t mean they’re self-aware and authentic.

I mean, iblees…?

فَوَسْوَسَ إِلَيْهِ ٱلشَّيْطَٰنُ قَالَ يَٰٓـَٔادَمُ هَلْ أَدُلُّكَ عَلَىٰ شَجَرَةِ ٱلْخُلْدِ وَمُلْكٍ لَّا يَبْلَىٰ

Then Shaytaan whispered to him, saying: “O Adam! Shall I lead you to the Tree of Eternity and to a kingdom that will never waste away?”


Connected in the dark

Just because a person gets it doesn’t mean they get you.

You’re not a concept to be explained but a complexity to connect to. And unless the person can spare space for incoming awareness of you, they simply are too full to see you as a whole. And it’s not neither’s fault. You just need to move out of the crowded orbits into the edge of the dark silence. Defy your fear of loneliness and oblivion. Don’t steal connections by luring people in with what’s familiar and favourable to them. It’ll wear out and it’ll wear you out.

As long as you don’t lose sight of yourself you’ll be witnessed and accompanied by God. You don’t need to worry about those sent by God as they’re sent with love and love clears out space within for the ability to connect without.

One thing non-Muslims should know

The Muslim “Ummah” been undergoing a collective existential crisis since the turn of the century when the Ottoman empire fell. Most Muslims hold on to cultural practices and appropriation of what they think Islaam is, but really isn’t based on the core principles. It’s like a knockoff version, a copy mass-produced in China.

The principles of Islaam are living and fluid, and aren’t confined to inks and paper but to the heart that it was first revealed to. The state of the Muslims is such because they – we – are split and running on fumes. It’s because we don’t practice what we preach that we overcompensate through dysfunctional means to anchor the wobbly faith in the external world.

In short : if you’re interested in Islaam, take the intuitive road. If you want to become a Muslim don’t do it because of community because there is no such thing. We’re at a really low point and can’t avail ourselves to accommodate for others in the way we should. So don’t be surprised when our actions contradict what we say or when our manners are shitty af. We’re hurting and we’re lost but rather that than to lose the essence of Islaam and bury it in our dissonance.

Islaam isn’t for Muslims. Islaam is for the entire cosmos and it has as many paths to its core as there are roads that lead to Makkah.

The beginning seems so long ago

For 2 nights in a row, in two different dreams I’ve said

I don’t want anyone else’s narrative to be the context of my life

Both dreams were confrontational, where I was backed into a corner metaphorically speaking and feeling incredibly unsafe. But I refused to let ‘them’ win; their projections and insecurities and threats and fears.

In the last dream I was telling off a former friend I had in primary school who, in the dream, had inferred wrong things from my actions.

I said to myself, trying to find clarity in the whirlwind of accusations, passive aggression and manipulation,” I understand how her mind works. She sees sensory data, puts them together and then read the image she put together. But she doesn’t understand that she’s binding them using her narrative when the context for those things are mine. She has no right to impose her conclusions on me.”

And although it was heartbreaking and triggering to go back to a younger and bullied me in the dream, it was powerful to stand my ground. And even more powerful that I learnt that from a dream. For way too long I’ve allowed others to run me over with their distorted takes on me for which I’d atone.

But now I’ll be returning triggers to sender. No more

Captain save a..

Don’t be people’s refuge from pain. Don’t be what makes them forget about themselves. Don’t look for a purpose to serve or role to play in other’s lives. Be grounded in whatever soothes your soul regardless of what that does for others.

If I ain’t feeling it..

The guilt of disappointing people in the least is so crippling that I’ve usually just suppressed my feelings or forced myself to do the thing. Suppressing my feelings also means I’m neglecting my wounds and malfunctioning psyche for the benefit of keeping my word and keeping others happy.

Going against that gives me severe anxiety. It’s like my whole life has been about not touching the floor because the floor is disappointment. I felt it was wrong to have limitations and being incapacitated by mental disorders. I still thought cptsd was something I should be able to finesse somehow. I treated my social anxiety like a scavenger hunt and I just had to search long enough to find the combinations that made everything click into place.

Apparently my intelligence was a one-stop shop and whatever I couldn’t figure out in my head was impossible to solve otherwise. All the weight of the world on my shoulders by ignorant adults. And now I’m stuck with the repercussions of that overglorification.

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