Dare to discover what you contributed to your suffering. It’s difficult because it’d seem like it was all your fault. But it’s actually the opposite. You’re taking back your power by doing what is in your control. You can only be accountable for what you can control. And though your oversight or self-neglect or self-denial or self-hate isn’t grounds for bad things happening to you, it shows you how you took the first jab at yourself. The external situation is just amplifying your self sabotage. And that’s no small matter either. Just because it’s yourself you’re oppressing doesn’t make it any less serious than if someone else did the very thing you’re doing to yourself, or if you did that to someone else.
So be brave and face your wrongs against yourself. It takes courage because you have to revisit what originally made you turn against yourself, and that’s a lot of uncertainty and fear and anger. Don’t settle for pathology. Believe in abundance. Ask Allaah to provide you what you sought in others but weren’t given. Don’t make the cracks you fell through a grave, but make it a rainforest and let the trees you plant carry you to the surface. Leave the rock bottom better than you found it. Do your heart better than what those who let you down did.
Manufacture your own hope. This is a chance for boundless love and imagination, now that you’re not limited to people who don’t see you or refuse to feel you. Good riddance. Now gather yourself back together and ask Allaah to rain down love and abundance on you. And rectify the faulty and toxic mindsets that led you to and left you in a loveless and merciless place.
May you be forgiven for the injustices you inflicted on yourself, and may you be forgiven for being an apathetic bystander as others did you wrong. Aamin.
No more holding doors open, saving seats, making excuses, extracting truths, filtering out hurt to protect the other, looking to the morrow as a saviour from this day. No more wistful longings for horizons I can never reach, and hoping that the stars can see in me what I can’t. The magic I anticipated was never in creating portals to other realms, to escape this. It was always a power held in my pain to transform this realm, to create a space that I don’t have to fear or explain myself in.
I had to discover my wholeness through the reflection of a broken and fragmented world. I tried breaking myself down to match the shattered pieces around me, but that only wedged a distance of pain between me and the world.I was born whole, but it took me forever to fully come into my own, like bamboo blossom.
Some pains you have to suffer to find release from, even if it’s not fair. The suffering of dejection and defeat is different from that of breaking free; one eats away at your light and slowly kills your soul, the other fuels your light and emboldens your soul with each pang.
When you’re breaking free from a paradigm that has been forced upon you, it’ll be tough and you will often feel it’s pointless. It’s not. If it was pointless or if that’s how your life was meant to be you wouldn’t be restless and have your soul tugged at. The very magnetism that is creating the momentum in you that is stirring things up is the reality aligned with your soul. It’s complete and in existence. You just need to remove everything that you’ve consciously engaged in that goes against you.
Know that everything that Allaah intended feels harmonious. If something feels off, it’s not because the dunya wasn’t meant to be blissful anyway. There’s something untrue that you’re shoving down your soul. You’re not living truthfully.
The struggle and density that you’re feeling as you’re breaking free is not from the change, but it’s the expulsion of the falsehoods you ingested and willfully housed in yourself. Karmic fines have to be settled before you can have your divinely issued reality restored.
I tried to find my reflection in the broken hearts that I was meant to heal, but all I found was rejection. I was mirroring back to them what I was meant to mend, thinking I was the broken one. Thus we remained, enmeshed in a painful haze.
I finally clocked what success means to me in regards to what I want to do in life : that my work be emotionally cathartic and healing for those it’s meant to reach and that it becomes a lasting source of clarity and stability.
I’ve spent years and years trying to figure out what this feeling of success I had in my soul was…Turns out it’s emotional fulfillment…
I decided to forego university, marriage, jobs because there was something specific my soul was vying for but I had to discover what it was by eliminating everything it wasn’t.
And so, after 12 years, a year left of my 20s,I come full circle.. Alxamdulillah. I’ve sacrificed and suffered a lot for a spiritual El Dorado. Every single thing I’ve learnt has been initiated by intuitive downloads or suffering.. It’s never been straightforward and it’s involved long, long periods of solitude. I think I’ve been alone more than I’ve been around people in these 12 years. I didn’t choose this, trust me. I’ve tried exiting many times, only to be met by worse fates outside this path Allaah has selected for me.
The path I’ve walked manifested from my heart. It didn’t exist before. So on top of being a lone wolf with no support system, I had to go up against my ruthlessly critical mind which is a scanner for inconsistencies and fallacies. Test, upon test upon test. I never thought I’d reach the other side. Ever. The only reason why I kept going is because it was the only alternative to suicide and because of my intuition. It was all based on faith, because I felt Allaah was sending me in a direction that I had no clue what it was or why I was meant to go there. Many a times it was a dead-end, because it was never about the destination but how a certain journey would shape me. It took me many years to figure that out! I’ve never been able to plan longterm. Everything is moment to moment..