Suicide as an expression of distrust

There’s nothing more powerful or wired harder than survival instinct. The only thing stronger than that is whatever causes a distrust in people and life which, if unmitigated, leads to suicide. Withdrawal, isolation, disconnection, depression are signs of suppressed life bc life is perceived more painful than non-existence. Using force to change that state only adds fuels to the fire bc it reinforces what causes distrust.

The only thing that has been more powerful than suicidal ideations for me was finding a trust in Allaah. A true trust. Not being goaded into things bc of guilt-tripping or threats or fear. But trust that came from Him showing Himself in my life and opening up awareness and knowledge that I could trust and return to no matter what happened. A bond stronger than anything I could do to threaten it.

That’s the only thing that has kept me alive in the past 8 years. No convincing, no positivity, no just shifting focus to other stuff to forget my thoughts ever helped. For whatever reason, my mind is an open field. There are no compartmentalizations. I lucid dream. Even in dream state, I remain aware. So I’ve never been able to trick myself into a different state.

Why goal-setting makes me lost

Goals & achievements are minefields for me. I have to be extremely sensitive and careful about what ‘orders’ I give myself, which means not giving myself orders at all. It took me a long while to accept that the generic advices and guidelines doled out by self-help gurus suppress me and in particularly the vitality in me.

I didn’t understand why but I started by respecting my emotions and not seeing myself as an inherently lazy creature who needs strong arming and moving away from whatever contributed to depression and despair. Turns out, I had to throw
everything out of the window. I was like a mother whose child was allergic TO EVERYTHING and was breaking out in hives and suffering from a disease no doctor could ascertain so she had to experiment, be vigilant, research, and never stop trying. I had to not only reparent myself
but reeducate and resocialize. I had to tear everything down and start from scratch using my mental ailments as guidance to know where to search and what to look for.

But even so, this conditioning was genetical. I was up against millenia of hardwiring. Everything I was doing was counterintuitive and flew in the face of survival. Each day I’d have at least a moment of thinking WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOOOIN?? But, it brought results, unexpected af and it gave me relief insofar as I didn’t want to off myself. My psyche was finally responding even though I didn’t know why. It wasn’t important to know why, only that it worked. I was doing that for 7 years straight. 7 gruelling, scary, existentially debilitating years. But paradoxically the most fulfilling ones too!

It wasn’t until my grandma passed, may Allaah have mercy on her, in Sept
that I started going back to see the work I had laid in those 7 years and why they worked. It was the most triggering and depressing period bc the trauma was still there. I had just worked on responding differently but I wasn’t prepared for the deluge that was released. I was in
a liminal abyss. Reality didn’t have dimensions or ground other than the present moment which felt too many sizes too big and too small at the same time. It was especially tempting to go back on everything I had done and just do things conventionally. The dying programming was trying to gaslight me into thinking the uncertainty was because I was clueless and lazy and that I should just do what I had chosen not to for all these years. But my heart wasn’t with it. I had developed a militant discernment where nothing bypasses me in what tries to impress itself upon me.

I was battling with shame for my inactivity (when it was me waiting to see what emerged). I became acquainted with the nature of the present moment. The ontological nature of it. And now it came to me that what I had been doing was increasing my psychic stamina and tolerance
of the present moment. That matters more to me than to use goals as blinkers in order to filter things out. There’s some ancient psychic technology that requires that I’m capable of staying grounded no matter and because it’s so sensitive, I have to tie down my mind from interfering compulsively and digressing when I really need it to be a receptacle for these incoming signals. These signals reconnect me to the present moment that is deep in me and it makes accessible the joy and passion I had lost sense and sight for. To be fuelled by that instead of lack. To be driven by deep inspiration instead of strategies to fight upstream.

The types of energetic blocks

There are two types of energetic blocks that create hinder in one’s life:

a) resistance to awareness for fear that it’ll dissolve control which is the ego’s only claim to power

b) sabotaging the flow of kinetic energy with an overly analytical mind that doubts what it can’t see.

The dissolution of a) comes from surrendering to Allaah, the Divine who is omnipotent so that you can feel safe knowing that the universe won’t crumble if you stop holding up the status quo

b) comes from the courage to shift your value system from extrinsic motivation which is rooted in imagery and codependence on the feeling that people generate from the images you put out. That’s why you’re outcome fixated. Your mind has convinced you that if an outcome ‘flops’ you’ll find yourself cut off and in an energetic purgatory. That emptiness is the dissociation from your own body which you’re constantly running away from and seeking out others who are more grounded and thus capable of movement which is basically generation.

Faith is what you need to overcome that abyss of doubt. Sow seeds of faith inside yourself. I don’t mean “believe in yourself” I mean, trust your heart and that it’s far, far more intelligent than your mind bc it can perceive things before they become patterns and tangibles.

Fractality of trauma

I’m just contemplating the construct of trauma and formation of trauma responses, and what comes to me is the breaking away from the heart chakra through a microcosmic fall from grace that implant specific beliefs of shame and guilt to isolate one’s creative urge from the divine and this perpetrates a deep sense of being lost which primes one for trauma-bonds.
These modalities siphon the stagnant creative energy that have no outlet in consciousness since it’s cut off, and reroute them to serve toxic systems.

Survival mode is a trauma response bc it’s acting from the traumatic beliefs as if they were true. Traumatic beliefs that are atheistic in nature. It’s a shutdown of creativity and a shut out of anything holistic. In fact, the holistic is interpreted as imprisonment.

Cold is shocking

October has been so painful. Ayeeyo, detox/withdrawal, readjustment, feeling all my numbed trauma that my meds helped keep at bay… Whenever I go out I find myself having to make an effort not to burst out in tears in the middle of the street. And every step feels like the last step before I collapse.

It’s one thing to dissociate from pain, to create distractions. But to have it rain down on you while you sit there, with no where to hide or run..

I was the primary caretaker of ayeeyo for the past 3 years bc I shared room with her and that gave me structure and something to do. And now everything is a void. Absolutely everything. And yet it’s not? I feel a fullness that I’m trying to ground, for the first time ever in my life. As if I’m coming home with a newborn baby without having prepared anything for it. No crib or nothing.

I feel like my legs are lined with embers. I know it passes and I’m grateful for all the wisdom I’ve gained from my healing bc it’s the only thing keeping me calm and collected. I know it’s an ugly storm but I know its function and I know it’s benevolent and I know it’ll get better.

But gosh. Having to create new neural pathways when the old, trauma-laden ones threaten you with a repeat of the past 14 years…

You know what I hate the most? I’ve had to figure this shit out completely on my own all through my late teens and all of my 20s, battling it secretly, patiently. And when people get a whiff of it, they’re quick to throw words like smothering a fire with a blanket. I know those words are borne from restlessness and a knee-jerk reaction to seeing others in pain. But those words, had I taken them in, would have smothered ME, for I was the fire and I needed to burn down. I did.

Anyway, I count the weeks. This is 6.

September 18th, midnight

Tonight I learnt that the body goes through labour both in birth and death. The soul arriving, the soul departing.

I don’t want to say this bc I can’t take it back, but it’s an inevitability. My grandma passed and it’s surreal. She’s so beautiful and I’ve never seen her so glowing in all these months of sickness and suffering. In the end, she was surrounded by all her loved ones, reminding her of the shahaadah, her raising her finger, and in the end she relaxed into eternal rest.

The difficulty is for us, not her. She’s released and relieved. This is the end of an era and I don’t know what this means. I don’t know who I am without her. But I’m so so so so so so grateful for this past year and a half.

I’m lying in the same room. People tried to get me away but really, I don’t feel there’s any difference.

I had a dream a few weeks ago where her soul was levitated above her body, in the process of death. It was so smooth. I was told her death had been postponed so many times, for us to find closure. I guess we were ready to let go.

She’s not only a grandma, but a mother figure. I’m so beyond grateful and blessed to have had this incredibly kind and caring matriarch in my life.

I don’t know what I’ll tell my nephew who is sleeping over at our place.

Co-regulation

I wonder how much I’ll be able to see when I no longer have to distract my focus
away from the pain
when the pain is something new hatching
needing the warmth of awareness to receive it

isn’t that what love is?

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