Wa alaykumussalaam. I’m sorry for all that you’ve been plagued by, but you’re gaining clarity, you’re going over timelines, you’re reflecting, you’re analyzing, you’re trying. You’re hoping. All that is from the tawfeeq of Allaah. What you’ve been plagued by is unfortunately from the pollution of our times where people speak from where they haven’t embodied. They signal what they haven’t processed. They use the deen for their nefarious mind games. But it’s a call that we’re so outside of our core that we outsource the search for and discernment of truth to others who claim one thing with their words but another with their energy.
As long as your intentions are rooted in your mind and not your heart, you’ll be fighting other people’s battles, like constantly swatting away swarms of flies. The rabbit hole of falsehood is endless, so it’s much easier and more healing to start over and ask yourself who is Allaah? If He’s the truth, then whatever you do in search of the truth will lead you to Him. If He’s the truth – a rhetorical question bc He indeed is al-Haqq, beyond dualistic conceptualization – then being honest with Him about your state and establishing a rapport where you look squarely at what is in your heart – currently the truth is that you don’t have motivation for worship – will shift you away from conflict to reconciliation. When you take responsibility for where your truth lies, you can recognize what you lack and need. You need love. You need guidance. You need divine support. These aren’t easy things. We don’t procure them on our own through intellectual efforts. We RECEIVE them when we admit that we’ve fallen short and can’t function without them. Bc that’s the truth. You’re struggling bc you’re bypassing the fundamental truth about the state of you today. Perhaps you’re afraid that it’ll be permanent if you say it or accept it. Perhaps you’re afraid you’ll be punished.
But remember this : as long as you’re sincere and true, Allaah will guide you. Allaah will protect you. Allaah says about Yusuf:
وَلَقَدْ هَمَّتْ بِهِۦ وَهَمَّ بِهَا لَوْلَآ أَن رَّءَا بُرْهَٰنَ رَبِّهِۦ كَذَٰلِكَ لِنَصْرِفَ عَنْهُ ٱلسُّوٓءَ
وَٱلْفَحْشَآءَ إِنَّهُۥ مِنْ عِبَادِنَا ٱلْمُخْلَصِينَ
And she certainly determined [to seduce] him, and he would have inclined to her had he not seen the proof of his Lord. And thus [it was] that We should avert from him evil and immorality. Indeed, he was of Our chosen servants.
The word chosen is mukhlaseen from the root akhlasa, ikhlaas. Meaning, bc of his dedicated sincerity, Allaah protected him.
And this is something echoed by iblees, as told by Allaah in surah Saad :
قَالَ فَبِعِزَّتِكَ لَأُغْوِيَنَّهُمْ أَجْمَعِينَ
إِلَّا عِبَادَكَ مِنْهُمُ ٱلْمُخْلَصِينَ
[Iblees] said, “By your might, I will surely mislead them all
Except, among them, Your chosen servants.”
But if you can’t bring yourself to speak the truth within yourself, you’re blocking out His tawfeeq. You’re suspending yourself in a battle you’ll never win or leave. So the first order of things is to be honest about what Allaah already knows is within you. The rest will come. Trust me it will. But take that step and your heart will tell you the rest.
I’ll pray for you.