Forlorn

My cousin tells me her 15 year old daughter Aisha asked her why I look at people in a strange way.. She asked her what she meant. Aisha said, it’s like she can see right through your soul. It’s unsettling.

My cousin says she was in tears laughing because that was me, and she was shocked at how her daughter clocked it. She reassured her by saying I’m intuitive and so is she. Aisha felt relieved that it wasn’t all in her head. I say it’s funny because last time y’all were here I noticed her avoiding my gaze and I pretended like I didn’t notice anything because I didn’t want to remove her veil of security in obscurity. She’d have lost it if I told her what I saw that she didn’t realize I did. I wanted her to feel safe, even from me.

The whole thing made me laugh so hard over the phone that my nephew comes to me and asks why I’m laughing so hard. I say I heard something funny. My cousin continues, but Mulki this isn’t the first time someone has said this about you. I interrupt her – “I’ve heard it countless times. People are legit afraid of me”. She pauses and says, but that’s problematic! “Yeah, but what can I do? They feel stripped naked and they either go into defense or avoidance. All I can do is to not judge and not internalize it when they misjudge me. I don’t take it personally. I understand.”

I’ve spent very long asking why I’m like this and why people respond to me the way they do. And I can’t fully know but I know my intentions and my heart and I won’t let anything change that. I’ll accept everyone’s truth no matter how heavy or bitter. The only thing I never tolerate is falsehood.

4 responses to Forlorn

  1. What a good description! I have been bewildered by eye contact until recently feeling safe enough to connect in that way. When I would feel stared at, my reaction was cowering and avoiding. Also feeling the need to judge the other.

    Somehow it reminds me of this:

    🙏💚

    Liked by 1 person

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