If I ain’t feeling it..

The guilt of disappointing people in the least is so crippling that I’ve usually just suppressed my feelings or forced myself to do the thing. Suppressing my feelings also means I’m neglecting my wounds and malfunctioning psyche for the benefit of keeping my word and keeping others happy.

Going against that gives me severe anxiety. It’s like my whole life has been about not touching the floor because the floor is disappointment. I felt it was wrong to have limitations and being incapacitated by mental disorders. I still thought cptsd was something I should be able to finesse somehow. I treated my social anxiety like a scavenger hunt and I just had to search long enough to find the combinations that made everything click into place.

Apparently my intelligence was a one-stop shop and whatever I couldn’t figure out in my head was impossible to solve otherwise. All the weight of the world on my shoulders by ignorant adults. And now I’m stuck with the repercussions of that overglorification.

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