Tawheed is the only reason why I’m alive today, January 1st 2019. Diving deep into tawheed in 2012 was the true Furqaan (criterion, litmus test) I had always been longing for, and suffering immensely in its absence. I had lost absolute trust in life, in what my reality even was, in what people presented. Everything seemed to be hollow or an illusion and it fuelled my death wish as intensely as the life wish I have today. Had I not received that groundbreaking enlightenment I would not have stopped at 6 times. I would have kept going until I succeeded in leaving this earth. I was living in the worst mental torture imaginable because I was open to so much gaslighting and crazy making that I would even doubt that I was truly suffering. I mean, the goalposts kept being moved by external factors and how I felt about things had absolutely no merit. If anything it’d attract vicious backlash both within myself and outside.
I was swarmed by demonic entities who festered on all the energy I couldn’t claim because I was petrified. I couldn’t trust my perception, I couldn’t trust my intuition, I couldn’t trust any plans I’d make – in fact, any plans I’d make would be like opening my eyes in Bird Box – I’d be shown absolutely horrific timelines and vivid possibilities of what would happen to me if I tried and that’s what would trigger my suicidal urge. And that’s why I spent years secluded, at home. Because I was in real danger if I moved and I can’t tell you how horrifying and unnerving it is to have such a threat to your life that you can’t point out. There was no hallucinating where my fears were projected on anyone else that I could say I was threatened by. I would wish to lose my mind because the only thing worse than insanity is being stuck in a nightmare where you’re lucid and aware.
It was a sleep paralysis, only it was in real life. That’s exactly how it was. My intelligence was used against me because I would see through the tiniest of incongruence or irrationality. I couldn’t read self-help books without feeling worse because I saw through every adage. It’s like I had a running commentary in my mind that dispelled or pointed out every single claim and advice.
And that’s what was so miraculous about my study of Tawheed. I sorta stumbled across it once I started learning some Arabic (I’d buy Arabic books with my lunch money and go over the books every now and then to see how much more I could understand than the last time I checked. I was absolutely giddy to be able to access Islaam deeper) and before I knew it everything clicked. Everything made so much sense. My mind was engrossed and took to it like a parched survivor in the desert finding cold drinking water. And that was the beginning. That was me starting to emerge from the rubble of chaos and destruction.
That year I had intense encounters with demons and ETs ( Muslim ETs actually, who helped me immensely). It was a wild year. Like. I still can’t believe what went down. Egypt is forever carved in my heart for that. I’ll return one day in shaa Allaah (hopefully I can retrieve the 50 kilo of books I had to leave behind :/)