Mangled

Can’t believe I survived yesterday. Panic attacks for hours on end. My neck and back tense af. Feeling like I’m drowning in emptiness. As if the world was being turned inside out. Death felt like a mercy.

Now, relieved, spacious, expanded, tired in the way you get when you cry a river, only i haven’t cried except for a few seconds when my emotions came to a crescendo, slamming into my mind as I got full view of what was happening. I haven’t been able to sleep well in… 2 months? I’d be awake until 10 am and then I’d be knocked out cold for the rest of the day only waking up with great effort to pray. And damn, duhr, asr and maghrib coming in within a 3 hour period doesn’t make things easier.

I hope this exhausted relief translates to a somewhat cohesive few hours. Despite the fact that I love being up at night, there’s nothing quite like sleeping in the dark of night. I’m only awake during the night because that’s when I feel the safest emotionally. If I lived on my own I’d definitely clock out by 10 or 11 pm.

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