I don’t believe I deserve Allaah’s mercy. I believe the trauma and c-ptsd and the myriad of ways I’ve been disabled and dysfunctional is my fault. I couldn’t suppress those feelings enough because of something faulty within me. Therefore, I don’t deserve any help much less divine intervention, because I elected to be stuck. I have to figure this out on my own. I have to. I can’t even fathom making duaa regarding matters that confound me because then I get destroyed by hateful thoughts that bully me into retreating. Thoughts pointing out all the ways I’ve contributed to the toxic shame and guilt I feel. It’s my fault for not taking action. Why? Because that’s where everyone else directs me when they give me unsolicited advice about getting unstuck. And I keep choosing not to go that route, the getting-on-with-it-and-pretending-everything-is-fine route and for that I must be punished. I’m an absolute idiot for thinking I can go against social conditioning and guidelines in this way.
I must be destroyed for going against the grain. I don’t deserve being right.
It actually feels good to put words to these ingrained beliefs that were a part of my mental landscape. Lifelong trauma has welded together what I’ve internalized and what I actually feel.