I’m learning that being present is more important than consistency, although my brain resists that heavily because being consistent in action is so much more important to others and society that it’s like.. how important is my presence really?
I’m going to sit with this and see what comes to me. So much deprogramming and reformatting. My God. 95% of the self-work I’ve been doing in the past 12 years have consisted of unlearning and deprogramming false narratives and collective beliefs. It’s so infuriating at times to ponder how much of my life I’ve had to suffer because of others misinformation and judgments to pressure me into conformity. I really hate inauthenticity because I’ve felt the deepest suffering that stems from it. Like, I’ve been like an ant to these effects because of how sensitive and observant I am, and so I’ve seen things that others take for granted or don’t think too deeply about. It’s not that I elected to think deeply about it but when I kept getting stuck in others webs and nets I had to evolve. The only way I could get out of that without being stuck in a vicious cycle was to learn the patterns and intentions. That’s what freed me. But I absolutely didn’t want to learn those things. It hurt. So fucking bad. I was clearing programming and trauma not only for me but for a large population of Somalis and the ancestral heritage. It felt heavy. And the worst thing about it was the isolation and feeling blind as a bat – as it were – intellectually in grasping this metaphysical journey, this initiation.
I’ve wished for death more than I wanted to live because all around me and in the world I was just seeing how dense and obscure people’s minds and hearts were and it felt futile. Like even if I heal and learn, am I going to be a hermit? I couldn’t see how anyone would elect to go through the awakening process because I felt that they were already averse to just feeling, period, let alone feeling discomfort. But things started shifting in 2012 in a major way and I started seeing the external structures that’d give people protection from the energies were starting to wear thin.. That gave me hope that what I was doing wasn’t in isolation. It was a collective movement that I was a part of, albeit a frontrunner. But it felt like what I was doing was contributing to the world somehow. That the pain I was feeling and the destructive subconscious beliefs I was uncovering was actually helping to reduce the overall suffering in the world. I started to see that by just showing up as I am was reflecting back a glitch in the matrix that’d break the continuity in perception that gives rise to automation and living on autopilot. By virtue of being an anomaly, I give pause to the willing observer and that pause is more than enough for them to notice what they’ve been oblivious to within and around themselves.
Ultimately it’s not about changing people or conveying a certain message but by embodying wholeness, we become conduits for divine wisdom that allows people space to reflect – just like nature does without actually doing.
To be at peace with our innate nature that doesn’t need much interference or compensation is the ultimate goal of reversing the conditioning.