I’m much better at perceiving and receiving than thinking and generating. I’m better with open-ended tasks where I have creative control of the process than goal-oriented and time limited top-down tasks.
It’s nearly impossible for me to read through a book unless I’ve been inspired to. It’s impossible for me to enroll at a course and make it through the first class. It’s impossible for me to be managed or supervised.
I need to have my vision trusted and I need space to do what I do best. Unless I can have that I won’t show you what I can do.
That’s what black light means to me. I can perceive the darkness because I let it seep into me and instead of being resisted with fear it’s met with an openness that gives it space and imbues it with connection. That connection is a black light – a hidden light that is felt but not seen.
I have this connection to everything and everyone within whom this latent presence hasn’t been perverted or distorted. Nature, the earth, nations, the events in the land. I can sense what the ground has experienced in some places. I receive vivid images and memories that aren’t mine from a very distant time and places that I don’t think exist on this earth.
I always had a keen sense of the cosmos but also a deep fear. I’ve written about this before, about an out of body experience I had when I was 4 that was triggered by my asking myself over and over again, who am I where did I come from what am I doing to here. I saw in the eye of my mind me floating into space and I panicked because I didn’t have a tether to pull myself back in and I feared getting lost in space if I went farther.
Last night I realized that the tether I’ve been seeking was Allaah. I’ve been seeking Him since I was 5. I understand I did this because I needed an anchor, a place to return to in order to not get lost in all that I observe and absorb. He’s my existential protection