Fulfillment vs. Achievements

I’m turning 29 in December and this year had me looking at my life with disappointment. I felt I hadn’t done enough, although I know I put in 200%. I just didn’t understand where those efforts went. Then yesterday it dawned on me that I spent those years breaking free from societal/cultural conditioning and withstanding the pull of conformity and group think. I was spending my last breath on remaining grounded in integrity. My 20s is characterized by all the things I consciously didn’t do:

  1. I didn’t get married to the wrong person(s) just for the sake of settling down. If my heart ain’t in it, I ain’t with it. Periodt.
  2. I didn’t leave a word unsaid or a regret. Not one. Yes, I have embarrassing and crazy stories of saying zany stuff to people that is so out of left field (99% took it well), but I’d rather have that than guilty conscience.
  3. I didn’t betray or deceive anyone. Not one person. Not one.
  4. I didn’t die, though I seriously wanted to.
  5. I didn’t remain in situations and paths that I felt misaligned with. This was one of the most difficult recurrent things that I had to do. But I did it.
  6. I didn’t leave a stone unturned in my quest for existential fulfillment and just exploring whatever caught my curiosity.
  7. I didn’t leave prayers.
  8. I didn’t hang out with people I felt I didn’t vibe with. I’ve spent a whopping 80% of my 20s in solitude.
  9. I didn’t rush to conclusions.
  10. I didn’t let ego prevent me from making someone feel better
  11. I didn’t let fear hold me back from exploring the unconventional and uncertain
  12. I didn’t let people’s judgments and mockery prevent me from wearing my niqaab (one of the most easiest decisions to make yet difficult to contend with solely because of the constant backlash)
  13. I didn’t let people’s idealization and expectations hold me back from removing the niqaab when I felt it in my heart.
  14. I didn’t let social isolation affect my hope. Instead I turned to my visions of a new paradigm altogether.
  15. I didn’t let my suffering spill over on others.
  16. I didn’t let my suffering prevent me from being there for people who needed me, regardless.
  17. I didn’t let odds be a factor in my hope in Allaah.
  18. I didn’t let my pain be a justification for anything. I’d rather own up to why something is difficult for me than invest energy in justifying why I’m not doing it.
  19. I didn’t let cultural taboos of opposing parents especially mothers prevent me from breaking free from the very toxic relationship I had with my mother and finding a balance between being authentic and being respectful unconditionally (took me over a year to find that balance but it worked wonders because my mother and I have a better relationship now than ever).
  20. I didn’t seek revenge on the people who hurt me deeply. Most of the time I didn’t even try to tell them about their monstrous characters. Just left them and left it to Allaah
  21. I didn’t lie to any authority or commit any crimes.
  22. I didn’t cave in to social pressures and threats of social isolation (that did become a reality I’ve learnt to live with)
  23. I didn’t let compliments and flattery to get to my head.
  24. I didn’t let people taking advantage of me to get to my heart.
  25. I never chose anything above Allaah and a clean conscience. Never. Life would have been unbearable had I crossed those lines.
  26. I didn’t let my external reality or obstacles dictate my outlook on life or my prospects.
  27. I didn’t allow myself to slacken or do the morally irresponsible or inconsistent shit I’d see others get away with.
  28. I didn’t allow myself to harbour ill or resentment towards another. I’d acknowledge it when I’d feel it, but I’d never invest thoughts into bolstering those claims.
  29. I didn’t let the world obscure my truth. I’d rather die than be inauthentic for just one moment.

2 responses to Fulfillment vs. Achievements

  1. this is seriously inspiring. you are inspiring. happy early birthday. well done on all you have achieved thus far. i am sure and hope that your life will unravel to be wonderful.

    Liked by 1 person

Fire away!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s