There have been damaging and excruciating beliefs I formed about Allaah since my childhood. Automatic conclusions and inferences by existing in a manipulative matrix. It’s kind of predicated on being the end-all be-all, so it’s not a long shot to reach the conclusion that it all must have been cosigned and approved of by God.
Because these beliefs triggered resentment and anger and bitterness, I had to do my all to suppress that because I couldn’t handle the prospect of questioning God. It wasn’t until I studied Tawheed in-depth with the help of the very introspective and sagacious Ibn al-Qayyim and those influenced by his thoughts, that I learnt what and who Allaah is. That gave me a foundation to be able to see that as the creator of my soul, it’s impossible for my soul to be triggered or repelled by Him. I discovered, gradually over the succeeding years, that what I thought was Allaah wasn’t in fact Him. I had received mangled impressions and assumptions about Allaah from others who didn’t question the reality of what they were inheriting.
It was incredibly liberating to learn that feeling these toxic emotions wasn’t supposed to be normalized and adapted to, and Allaah wouldn’t be mad with me if I were to examine them and own the feelings. I discovered a level of love and grace from Allaah by feeling guided and absolved of guilt, that I would never have learnt had I not questioned by automatic beliefs fuelled my fears. I learnt that Allaah being the ultimate Truth, al-Haqq, nothing can threaten that. There’s no truth that’d ever clash with Him. I stopped trying to protect Allaah (it sounds funny but that’s what I was doing) and I started to learn to trust Him. He started showing up for me in ways I would never have thought of. I learnt about a true reality beyond this mental projection of the matrix where scarcity and lack are used to enslave people, and knowing that helped ease my fears during the disintegration of my ego. It was long and arduous and fraught with intense existential uncertainty. The building blocks were created first by the intuitive faith that there is something beyond this dysfunctional setup. It was a process that excluded my mind and that’s why it felt so tedious and scary. I couldn’t predict where things were heading nor did I even know what on earth I was doing. I was simply led by my soul that has never failed me. Wherever my mind threatened to cave in because things seemed so illogical, I returned to the absolute truth of Allaah and retraced myself from there. Emotional congruence. Not force, not things making sense, not external guidance. But just following the trust in what has always been congruent and true. The unchanging reality.
I had to risk my ego and everything built on it to find Allaah and experience the truth in my heart. I had to go through storms of chaotic emotions and unconscious ancestral baggage, and frightening conflicts with others triggered by me defying expectations by my self-trust. It wasn’t a gaining of anything, but a stripping and discarding of everything. It wasn’t finding conviction but facing powerful doubts. It wasn’t connecting with others but finding the faint light in the vast, isolated loneliness of this trek.
Although I have nothing external to show for my years devoted to this internal revolution, I no longer derive power or security or meaning from the thoughts of others or the collective beliefs. I no longer rely on my mind to keep me safe. I no longer have to constantly shield myself against the unknown. I’m becoming more and more directly immersed and intimate with my life, with my soul, with the true reality. Not as a theoretical stance, not as a mental exercise, but as a presence and awareness that is open to whatever arises. An unconditional acceptance of what Allaah has willed my life to be, and trying to learn from why He devised my life in this way.