Women know how to create an illusion of obedience that is false. We’ve been primed to be ninjas, stealthy, leaving no trace of our machinations, not even in our own conscious minds.
The trick is, to do everything in your power to draw attention to yourself and your good behaviour while acting oblivious when you get noticed. If you don’t get noticed, everything you’ve done is in vain because unless it’s acknowledged it doesn’t exist. You don’t exist.
Every day I uncover threads in my mind, from yarns of programming in the deeper recesses of my psyche. Today for instance, I noticed a distinct yearn to have closure to this phase of my life through the recognition of a man I love, secretly. I asked myself, what is this feeling I have that longs to be recognized by the male gaze, almost as if I’m a sunflower seeking the sun? An image popped up, a sort of generic representation of Disney stories, princesses and damsel in distress and the like. The redemption always came when a valiant man would save them from the shackles of evil. No one would fight back against him, allowing (me) a swift and smooth exit. I could not have been more than 5 when this pathway was planted in my young subconscious mind. Yes, planted. It wasn’t something that came from my parents or anywhere else. I keep seeing a Cinderella-like character in simple clothes dancing in a meadow. The suffering would all be worth it once he came.
I was aghast. I’m no stranger to uncovering malicious and otherworldly secrets, but to think that the garments that I was dressing my thoughts in were spun from a yarn that was manufactured to control me, as a child, is just..
Like I always do when I uncover a shadow aspect in me, I asked Allaah to uproot it and heal me and guide me.
My existence was held hostage by false images. Uncovering illusions and falsehood is my favourite thing because nothing repairs hope like seeing what caused so much ache dismantled before your (inner) eyes. Thread by thread. Allaah has been more than Kind. He’s taken me on a long journey and didn’t let me go even when I was frustrated and kicking and screaming because I didn’t want to leave my station in ego. I thank Him every single day for not leaving me to my own devices and I continously ask Him to not leave me to my own devices because I don’t even know what I’m up against. It’s only after the battle is over that I understand the true magnitude of what I was facing.
When I get frustrated with trying to figure out what’s wrong with me, I calm myself down by telling myself : what I don’t know, He does. What overpowers me, He overpowers. What I can’t see, He sees. What I can’t do, He can. What I lack, He possesses in abundance.
I’m reminded that I don’t need to know everything or acquire everything to be given access to what I need when I need it. The wisdom, skill, inspiration, knowledge, people come when I need those resources to complete my work. I don’t need to come equipped with anything to follow the divine will.