A buffé of ways to die

I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’m a heart-based person. Mind and all its intricate processes, comes in second. I don’t like to read books unless I’ve been inspired by an intention or intuition. I don’t like formulating goals and concepts mentally.

Wherever I’m forced to use my head primarily, I feel suffocated and I shut down. It’s taken me a long time to come to this realization and adapt to my unusual proclivities. I listen to the nonverbal and I decipher the unwritten. I’m better equipped at creating a new system from scratch than trying to integrate into an existing one.

I have to feel into the whole to understand the context for the part. I have to know the emotional state of someone before I can understand their words. I have to empathize with someone before I can criticize them.

I don’t think I have to tell you how incredibly difficult life has been for me. I’ve always felt too much and yet not enough. I’ve felt like an absolutely disastrous failure, a glitch, for not being able to pick a side or category or option presented to me by society. I didn’t know why there was something inhibiting me, a fullness that was invisible yet very much tangible. At least to me.

Being called by an inner, compelling vision, I always feared that sacrificing the security of what exists would come back to haunt me when I’d discover that the vision was in fact a mirage. I’d often wonder, is this how it feels to slowly lose your mind? What if these transcendental experiences are initiations into a psychosis that I’ll never get out of?

But how can you lose your mind if you’re not using it to find the unknown? This, too, took me very long to discover. About, say, 13 years. I just made that discovery today.

Allaah has truly been my Wali because none of this came to me intellectually.

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