Hide & feel

I’ve internalized the incessant question I’ve been asked over the years : why can’t you just fix whatever is wrong and get back to life? What’s taking you so long?

I’ve tried everything and I’ve flipped the question every which way looking for an answer. Nothing. Only intense shame smiling back at me. I feel so disgusted by me. I feel so destroyed that I don’t know what to do. I compartmentalize time to keep from being buried too soon. One day at a time. The shame is more bearable that way.

No help. No support. No paved paths. I wish I could be invisible but the comfort eating I’ve been hiding in left indelible, undeniable marks on my body and now I can’t even blend in no more.

What’s worse than a tragedy? A plus size tragedy.

2 responses to Hide & feel

  1. This was hard to read, mainly because it’s a clear reflection of what goes on in my own head put into the words that I never want to face myself. I didn’t realize that when I first read it. I thought I could say something to motivate you, to help you feel better about your situation, because it’s a hard one to be in. Then I realized I don’t have any answers. I’m just another person with the same problem. I suppose these moments just come along every once in a while. Better to feel it than to ignore it. Maybe.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Neosomaliana – Author

      Ironically, your acknowledgment of the scope of the reality makes me feel better. I’ve been gaslighted for so long because others failed to see how severe the obstacles I was up against were. That’s why I felt the shame in the way I did. I had failed expectations. So when you now echo my experience I feel that at least I’m not crazy. Some things still do make sense.

      Liked by 1 person

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