I realize that I’ve internalized the shame in the scarcity mentality that permeates society. I’ve associated shame with my needs and desires as far as being met by others goes. I learnt to wait around for what others saw fit to give me, as a recognition of my worth. This, because there had been people who felt insufficient and lacking in the face of my childhood desires or needs and chose to pin it on me to control expectations.
I find it difficult to even ask Allaah and I never knew why. And then all of a sudden I hear, shush you don’t deserve to be heard or have your needs met. Self-hate made itself known. The voice is usually undetectable because its control over me is so profound that I never come to question my knee-jerk reactions because fear is a great motivator you see..