I guess what I’ve always been looking for is divinity in things and people. The spark, the awareness that I’m not alone in what I’m noticing. And it’s been so difficult to find it growing up in the West that has wiped clean any sign of the metaphysical or supernatural, at least in the establishment. School, books, movies, peers – everywhere I turned to I was met with this stonewalling of the divine, as if my intuition and spiritual perception was being shut down and gaslit. Not by any overt or even conscious effort, but by simply using what’s provable and what’s established by experts to gauge and guide one’s exploration and expression. And before I could even take a step I was hamstrung.
Although I decided to stop showing that side to me, it was as if it had autonomy in what it perceived and discovered. It spat right out everything I tried to shove down my own throat in a desperate attempt at fitting in. Eventually the inner conflict grew to such cataclysmic proportions that my psyche fragmented, not counting the unrelated traumas I’ve been through.
My mind is thirsting for something and the echo chambers of academia and postmodernism is like a desert to me. It’s absolutely uninspiring and not welcoming to curiosity. It has no soul and no connection to the divine whatsoever.