I’ve learnt that how I treat my truth ends up being how I feel.
If I dismiss a reaction, I end up feeling lost. If I disconnect from an internal dialogue, I end up feeling absolutely alone and invisible. If I become frantic at an emerging unknown taking up space in my being, I end up feeling like I’m too much and not enough at the same time.
These aren’t exact delineations but you catch my drift. So of late I’ve been asking Allaah to teach me the language of mercy, to teach me how to respond to myself. I know what to do (boundaries, pacing myself, holding space, etc) but I don’t know how to respond to the inner child aspect of me on a continual basis because for pretty much all my life I’ve been fragmented and dissociative. I’ve had a brutal and harsh programming that had me being so cruel towards myself (so I could stop myself from doing the things that others could target me for). Just holding space in silence took me years to learn. I feel like parts of me approach my core in frightened hesitation, dipping their toes and then running back into their fragmented caverns because they have learnt that my inner space has been a war zone.
It’s not easy. I don’t know what I’m doing. I have no method other than intuition, patience and prayer. I keep asking Allaah because whatever it is I’m so terrified of that I don’t know, He knows. And what I’m afraid would ambush me, He sees. So I surrender knowing that. But it takes every iota of spiritual discipline of the mind and heart to do. The urge to split up and run is so strong. The fear is strong. The doubt is strong. But the one thing I keep returning to is my knowledge of Allaah. That’s one thing I know with more certainty than my mother being my birthmother. So when words and thoughts clash in my mind and I become confused, I scrap everything and return to the zero point. I ask Allaah to reset me and give me clarity because I know how the truth feels and I know how Allaah operates. Those two things allow me to discern when something is iffy.