I was watching a video on a MKUltra monarch program survivor and something she said made me stop dead in my tracks:
She said, a lot of trauma survivors create unsafe environments for their inner child to come forward with the trauma. They recreate their trauma so as to prevent its processing by numbing the pain with physical pain and overstimulation. Basically, drowning out the inner screams of agony.
I don’t know if anyone who hasn’t undergone extensive trauma can relate to this but it’s bonechilling to me because that’s exactly what I had been doing for all these years up until 2 years ago. I tried to erase and kill the traumatized parts of me and live an alternate life just so I wouldn’t have to go back in and relive the shit. Everytime I attempted suicide it was because the traumatized parts of me broke free to my consciousness and I just wanted to jump ship.