I’m looking for my senses

I don’t know why it took me this long to understand that I’m truly my own worst enemy. Or more precisely, my ego is my enemy. I fight and hurt myself in ways no one can. I refuse myself hope and I dim my light. I bring up all the fears to stop myself from doing something different. I poke holes in everything I venture to do, so much so that I end up regretting doing it, making me apprehensive about my agency.

And worst of all, my ego collaborates with shaytaan to divert me from Allaah. It bullies my soul, it denigrates my intuition, it belittles me by comparing me to everyone else. I never thought to seek refuge with Allaah from my own self. I’ve sought refuge with Allaah from my evil, but I never knew the intricacies of this evil. That it included self-hate and body dysmorphia and despair. That it included all the ways I kick myself when I’m down and belittle my efforts when it took so much generate them.

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