My heart always needed Allaah because only Allaah can understand it. I can’t. Broke myself down and traumatized myself further because I forced myself to get whatever my heart was needing. Didn’t realize it was something spiritual, not material. Thought I was the biggest failure in the history of mankind because I couldn’t get the thing my soul was yearning for. I was beating myself up about not being Allaah. That sounds so stupid. But I didn’t know.