A child’s psyche is like how ants are to lines that encircle them in the sand ; they stay within the imposed boundaries and accept them as part of the universe.
My parents would always say they know me very well, and mum especially would respond to my complaints of being misunderstood or my disagreement of a judgement they made of me with saying “i gave birth to you and been with you from day one. I know you better than you ever could know yourself.”
And because they really didn’t understand me (because they didn’t connect to me) I assumed that I was inherently unintelligible to others, even God. I assumed that not even God could connect with me because I was so foreign and so distant from being relatable. And it became a subconscious belief that I built a lot on top of. Even though I didn’t hold it consciously in mind it’d inform the directions of the trajectories I’d take. It’d tell me about reality and cause so much dissonance that dissociation and depersonalization was the only way I could survive this existential paradox.