I didn’t realize how deep my self-hate ran. I’ve been actively resisting and fighting myself all my life. The onset of the mental disorders actually saved me, in retrospect. My self-destructive capacities were severely restricted and my life effectively became an existential escape room where I had to put all of me into figuring out life and solve divine tests. To survive I had to face everything in me that made me want to annihilate myself, and actually hold space for it instead… Learning to love the suffering in me, learning to differentiate what’s my feelings and what I’ve absorbed and internalized from the world was a mammoth task.
Love is so difficult because it involves enduring the discomfort and pain that needs to be understood and healed. It’s tempting to want to throw out the baby with the bathwater. In fact being held back by having to save the baby can make up resent the baby. It can make you doubt that any of your efforts and patience would culminate in anything constructive or meaningful. It can feel like it’s futile and there’s nothing to be gained by an unnecessary exposure to agony. Hope can seem like a scam, especially when you discover how much of the pain and wounds were incurred unjustly by selfish people and a toxic world. It’s like… on top of everything, I have to be the one suffering through undoing this??? Why don’t they suffer? What’s wrong with me that I’m affected like this? Anger and resentment can seem more empowering than feeling like a victim. But that always comes at the cost of pathologizing your feelings and your sensitivity and your life force. In fact, not feeling any type of guilt for inflicting hurt on others and not having capacity for empathy is truly abnormal and pathological. It’s definitely not an advantage and it comes at the cost of one’s humanity. But again, those are deeper and more subtle truths that aren’t as obvious as the widespread dysfunction and corruption in society. So instead of basing one’s morality on internal guidance, it can be tempting to use moral relativity and use those around you as a context for your actions. But bypassing and shortcuts never lead to the truth and progress.
Anyway, I can appreciate how complex and nuanced my journey has been and why it had to take the time it did. I wasn’t restricted or limited to time and space. It took what it needed to take. I did my very best, gave my very all, and left no stone unturned and no feeling unfelt.