Rebel with a probable cause

I’ve had a huge resistance to social conditioning for all my life but it was deeply subconscious. Consciously I did want to please, I did want to conform but in my own way. And when I tried to force myself to follow the external mandates, my “genius” would shut down. Nothing was getting in or out. I’d be stonewalled by my own psyche. I just clocked why that is…

I learn through observation, inspiration, and imagination. It’s highly spontaneous and divergent, and unconventional to say the least. But the way I’ve been pushed to learn has been the polar opposite to this ; I’ve had to read, not out of organic interest but in order to have my knowledge acknowledged, and I’ve had to compartmentalize and zero in on things mentally. There was no animated dynamic, no connection between parts, no fluidity in that process at all. And me being absolutely unable to do that created an inferiority complex in me where I thought there was something wrong with me for not being “arsed” to read things. The light and life would go out in me when I was faced with a mental march uphill. I felt suffocated and mentally enslaved. It was a strictly top down process and my only allowed input was to show I could follow instructions.

I berated myself for this for the longest time and in self-punishment I wouldn’t engage my own interests. I reached an internal stalemate of resistance which resulted in serious identity crisis and absolutely zero self-esteem. I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me, why I felt like such an alien, why I couldn’t do what clearly isn’t difficult for me to do. Why was I lazy? Why can’t I just be like everyone else who don’t seem to have those issues? This created anxiety in me. Severe anxiety. So much so that I came to avoid all and any expectations and goal oriented tasks. I essentially became a hermit, a social recluse. Developed severe agoraphobia. Lost will to live. It was clear that the world had absolutely no interest in me outside my ability to conform. It had no interest or use for my originality, creativity and critical thinking.

Heck, I couldn’t understand why my mind would drift where it would, why I’d hyperfocus so hard that I’d be lost for days at a time. I certainly didn’t value it. Until it saved me. When I was locked in an existential depression and immersed in suicidal ideations, my divergent thinking took me out of that suffocating box. Freed me.

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