I knew I loved him before I knew it was him. And after all this time I can’t tell you why I love him with such a deep and unwavering commitment, like a candle steady against the draught from an open window. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. One thing’s for certain. His love taught me how to be a woman. I never knew a man could do that, especially one who has no idea what I harbour inside. Maybe he has an inkling, I don’t know. But I’m very platonic and laidback, especially when I’m trying to hold back such a devastatingly huge secret. I’ve tried to unravel it, this otherworldly phenomenon that has invaded me, for over a year now, insisting that it’s hollow and pathological in the middle. I was sure it had to be something subconscious, a projection. I had never had something erupt in me like that. It feels like a cord that runs the length of my being. It’s primordial. I had flashbacks of the soul realm. We were standing next to each other. Strange vision. It would be infinitely easier to discover that this isn’t what I feel it is. Driven by intense fear of the world that opened up within me, activated by his love, I was trying my best to refute my intuition, to find an inconsistency. The more I tried however, my fear and false intentions were exposed.. I was being shown how much I belittle myself and how by dismissing my discernment I’m dismissing what Allaah’s communicating to me..
And for the first time in my life I conceded to listening to my soul. Begrudgingly so but I realized that my integrity and the consistency of my emotional body was at stake. One thing was clear, this was a divine assignment and I simply had to wait for clarification of why this complex concert has visited me… I guess I felt it was too good to be true. Every attempt at trying to prove that only disproved me.