Squinting through the explosion

To perceive pain.. to stare at it without flinching.. to observe it whilst suspending reaction.. to feel it rip through my body, down my legs, into the ground where it dissipates.. to wait for the panic to subside with baited breath.. to hold off from escaping the eye of the storm.. to hold up hope even though arms are weak and knees threaten to buckle.. to feel the searing burn of lucidity in my brain, from having to observe things on so many different levels and dimensions without discharging the tension… to reach for Allaah in what feels like a torturous slowmotion through molasses, hope wearing very thin… to wonder if it’s all really worth it, if I’m just adding unnecessary suffering in engaging with deep trauma in this visceral way, like a standoff with a bear or a lion… to feel my footing on the edge of sanity precarious and uncommitted… to wonder if I’ll ever win this war… is the best that I can do and I don’t know if it’s enough to make it.

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