Embracing fear

I survived by loving people. Love was my defense. When I couldn’t prevent others from hurting me I chose to step forward instead of fighting or turning away. I’d step forward into their charged emotional field. I’d let go of resistance to their violence against me. Instead I tried to understand the mechanism behind what drove them to do this, so perhaps I could help them stop, at the core.

It was instinctive, intuitive. It started very early, bullying and other stuff. I was thrust into the river and it was sink or swim. So i learnt to swim in between the bouts of near-drowning. Trying to understand the aggressor was my way of trying to find a way to survive because I knew that if I did anything to challenge the ego, it’d be like fuel to the fire. So I’d hold back from beating the shit out of people because I knew they’d feel embarrassed and like they had to prove something so the taunting and harassing would be endless.

I evolved to disarm people so that they wouldn’t inflict further damage on me. It’s heartbreaking, having to reflect back on this. But I’m really impressed by my relentless commitment to an open heart. In a way, I chose to believe the best about the world, that evil was just circumstantial and that everyone had the potential to be better. I had to in order to have hope and willingness to live. I HAD to see and reach for the good in the other person, appeal to their higher self, try to find an ally in their conscience. But I was never able to give myself that because I feared that if I turned around to look into ME and give ME the space I needed to heal, that others would get pissed and attack me. And I just. wanted. to. be. left. alone. I erased my footprints, made myself smaller, all to avoid attracting the evil in others.

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