Hold it close

I’ve been tryna get into the head of stupid and evil people but I literally can’t. I can’t even imagine how someone can be evil or dumb. Like, I’m never able to definitely say that a person is evil or stupid, even if it’s Trump or Honey boo boo standing in front of me. I always try to see the validity in what people say and try to understand it. If something doesn’t make sense I assume that there’s something I’m missing. Is that normal? I genuinely wonder because when people cuss each other out or label one another in the comments section I can’t understand where their confidence and conviction comes from. I constantly doubt and question myself. Of course, it’s caused me a lot of harm because I spent too long overanalyzing my initial intuition about someone or a situation, which is probably because I don’t trust myself as I should. And that’s because I’ve always been questioned all my life, on my ideas, thought patterns, perceptions etc. People would dismiss me as weird or odd instead of trying to understand because I guess it’s very uncomfortable to go down rabbit holes and beyond the normative thought patterns.

I’m afraid of being conclusive when I haven’t analyzed my idea critically because to build something on a falsehood or go on thinking I know the truth when I don’t is my absolute worst nightmare. I dread being shut out of the truth because of hasty calculations and overlooking vital details. I fear it as if I’m a neurosurgeon operating on a person’s brain. Dunno if that’s irrational or what. I guess I’m afraid of losing my connection to the truth and become like the brazen people I see in society who are so sure of their falsehoods. I never want to be that insensitive and oblivious. And that’s also why I don’t rush to judge someone because I’m afraid I’ll fall into arrogance and become like those I judge.

The truth is the only thing that matters to me. I don’t give a damn about myself or whether I’m making an absolute fool out of myself. I’m zeroed in on the truth, afraid to blink in case I lose it.

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