When trust looks like fear

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Effectiveness… Am I a real woman if I can’t be effective? That’s a deep fear of mine I discover, as I toss and turn tryna sleep before fajr. Took a sleeping pill after maghrib but damn this anxiety is skrong.

Not long till fajr, I might as well get up and write

I only became cognizant of a low murmur in me, like two people exchanging fighting words while semi-whispering. It comes as a vague sensation. A tension. My body knows the drill. It disconnects automatically. But since I’ve been committed to actually listening to myself, I decided to lean in, begrudgingly so. I discovered that a conflict had broken out between my feelings and my thoughts! Feelings doubting whether I’ll be able to make it to my appointment tomorrow since I’ve been so down today and my thoughts frantically jumping in with objections and threats to not even go there. I could not afford not to go. I had to or else I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I’d be trash.

After carefully witnessing this exchange, I tried to butt in by saying that my end goal is to return to a state of balance, equanimity, regardless of what I do or don’t do. That was met with a crescendo of resistance and protest. I was flooded with internalized judgements. I was fearful that if I didn’t show proof that I’m really trying, there would be no space or compassion for me in this world. I’d be kicked to the curb, booted, discarded. I don’t know where these outlandish beliefs come from but they are very vivid and convincing.

At times I feel like, am I going crazy? All this over an appointment tomorrow? But then I remember, I chose this. I chose to take this path to my soul. I don’t know where it’ll lead me exactly but it’s true to my heart and I know it deep in me that this is what I’m supposed to do. Actively listen and be there for my feelings. Once again I’m walking on air, no solid ground beneath me. I only walk by tawakul, the faith in Allaah that when it’s all said and done it’ll make sense, no matter how crazy things seem now.

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