I’m eating my first meal at 8:51 pm. Haven’t been out of bed. Haven’t brushed my teeth. Most likely wont until tomorrow (chill, my breath don’t stink). My hair is a hot mess. First time I’ve allowed myself to feel depressed without going at myself or trying to drown it out in busy work to make myself feel less useless.
It’s been very tough. I felt like I was on slo-mo. Had zero energy and I observed how long it takes for me to crawl up from the abyss I’m in when I absolutely have to get up, like to pray for instance. It took me an hour to get out of bed to pray duhur when it was already 3 or 4 pm.
Usually I’d berate myself at every point : for sleeping, for not praying on time, for not getting up quick enough, for not having energy, for feeling numb, for not feeling like I wanna do anything, for wanting to sleep again, for feeling down, for feeling sad, for dissociating, for not focusing, for every single thing you can imagine. I’ve had to be a drill sergeant to myself because that’s what survival has been. I know if I fall off aint no one to rescue me.
But today I let myself. And I discovered how I’ve pushed hope away. I’ve resigned myself to this space because I spent so long and hard to turn a leaf but it only triggered deluges of anxiety and dissonance, so I buried myself voluntarily.
To open up my heart to make ducaa for myself was difficult. Because I didn’t know what I was making ducaa for. I was so far out. It’s like I’m stranded on an island that’s not even marked on a map. I have no mental bearings and I have no comparison to even begin to understand this liminal space of existential depression. I’m exposed to both my unconscious and the collective’s and my feelings and intuition far outstrip my cognition. I don’t know what it is I’m feeling and it feels absolutely terrifying.
I made ducaa and I felt my resistance loosening. I had no concept of love so I didn’t understand that I didn’t have to do something to be delivered. I imagined this was how Yunus calayhissalaam felt in the belly of the whale. And I realized how detrimental it’s been to focus on the logistics instead of the core issue. لا إله إلا أنت سبحانك إني كنت من الظالمين
The ducaa he made.
I started feeling light coming in. I started to understand that the root of my suffering was that I was being given dirty water and told that’s how pure tastes and looks like. I was internalizing other’s baggage and toxicity.
It’s 9:03 and I’m still writing this. Haven’t eaten yet. This morning I wondered why birds poop was white ( after having seen a splash on my window) and how I’ve never seen a bird pooping. I always am afraid when they fly over me that they’d let one go on my head lol. As I entered the room, I look out the window and I see a seagull letting one go mid-air (duh) and I thought huh, look at that. First time in my life I’m seeing a bird doing a #2. That’s one item off my bucket list (i kid).