When the light burns

I just realized.. that I’ve associated fear with the divine. It’s an imprint I’ve carried since I was young enough to conceptualize things. My mum instilled this in me. So I’ve grown up with intense fear and scarcity mentality and despair. It took me very long to even ask Allaah for help when I’m in a very low mood because depression and fear was as normal as not being able to breathe underwater. It was one of those things you had to adapt to, and everyone else seemed to do a great job except me. I was around 11 when I established that the reason I can’t seem to get things right is because I was born unlucky. I still remember the day I had that realization. I was in art’s class and we were doing paper weaving and although it was the second week, I couldn’t get it right. All around me everyone was busy doing just fine. I looked out the window, the sun was hitting it at an angle and as soon as I had made that realization the inner tension and frustration left me. I had surrendered to my futility.

I have pure O, which is a lesser known form of OCD that consists of obsessive thoughts without acting out rituals. The rituals are mentally based. I developed that because I thought that the negativity was normal and I had to adapt to it. In that maze, how am I supposed to ask Allaah to lift it from me? That’s as absurd as asking Him to call me or whatever. That’s the concept of the world that I had to survive in. I couldn’t question the very premise without risking existential danger. I was good as long as I could find ways to not feel that fear. It took years and years to get to a point where I could challenge it and go through mental death. It’s very real and very extreme.

Anyway, it’s amazing that I’ve come this far because it’s all been a collaboration with Allaah. I feel like I’m being given directions and instructions in real time as I’m weaving through a dangerous territory. I’m discovering things that weren’t prompted by any thoughts and learning things that I’ve never seen anyone else teach. That is what feeds my faith.

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