I’m tired. Of not being allowed to feel what I feel about certain people and things. It feels like having to hold in my breath to fit into a pair of really stiff jeans that are 2 sizes too small and having to wear them 24/7, even to sleep.
I ask Allaah : is this what You intended? I just want to know because I’m tired of feeling outside the box and being penalized for it. They say You’ll be displeased if I don’t worship her. Borderline worship. At least that’s how it seems to me. I just want to know, is this right? To feel so tyrannically and forcefully stripped of natural reactions to abnormal interactions? I just want to know.. is it true? It hurts to have been gaslighted all my life. I guess that’s why You made me psychic, as an emergency kit. I’m afraid of being the person she says I am. Am I? And if she can’t see it, or refuses to see it, what am I to do? She feels like the Bermuda triangle. Nothing short of being absorbed into her will do. But I can’t be her shadow without swallowing the darkness. My heart is full of soot. I try to look for the truth, to put my feet to the fire, to rectify myself. You know that. But it comes to a point where I notice it doesn’t matter. My changes don’t even register. It doesn’t matter if I change or don’t change, her stance remains because… she wants me to represent the world she dreamed of and which she envisioned but You prevented from manifesting, and for good reason. I can’t be what You haven’t given to her. And she can’t make me into what You haven’t given to her.